{whole family project.}

{whole me} :: patriotic

2011-07-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

I am a patriot.

I grew up in an Air Force town.

All my Independence Day memories are steeped in the sound of jets, Lee Greenwood, and the indelible swell of pride in my chest...the lump in my throat that is the raising of our flag.

It's how I was brought up, it's how I want to remain.

I may not like everything that is happening TO my country, right now...but, I believe in its precepts with all my heart. I believe they are worth fighting for...and, yes...even dying for.

I may not have any faith in the government, but my faith in this country and its people WILL NEVER BE SHAKEN.

The people upon whose backs this country was built...the people upon whose resolve this country will remain great.

The people who make up the reasons why the greedy may be able to dismantle some of the luxuries we enjoy...but, will never be able to dismantle the spirit of the ones whose voices are praying around their dinner table every night...the ones who go about their daily business with integrity and purpose. The ones who will be able to press on, though all around them be destroyed.

We are the pilgrims, the pioneers, the explorers, the miners, the farmers, the innovators...the seekers.

We may not have the polish and luster, we may have sweat dripping from our brow and dirt underneath our fingernails...but, we are who they will crawl to when their illusions finally come crashing down around them.

We ARE this country. This country is US.

I am a patriot.

God Bless.

{whole children} :: inspired links

2011-05-24T17:07:00.001-07:00

In the past few days, I have read some blogs that had me crying in my soup. Not because they were sad, or convicting in some way...but, just very, very edifying. They affirmed the place in me that struggles with feeling like I need to be "more."

I kept trying to formulate a wonderful and poignant piece to write and make you all feel the same way...but, I am in "sitting at the feet" mode, instead of "sharing my wisdom" mode, when it comes to parenting.

Since I clearly can't say the things that I want to say, with any more eloquence or portent...I give you the articles...the ones that have given my mother soul much nourishment in the past few days:

Passionate Homemaking - Motherhood: My Only Gems

Single Dad Laughing - The disease called "Perfection"

Aura Joon - It Takes a Village

The Organic Sister - Serving vs. Being a Servant

I hope that you get as much or even a little of the impact I got from each of these reads. I love the blogging community so much...it's like having coffee with a close friend almost every day.

Thanks to all the bloggers I follow every day...

{whole me} :: a few bones to pick

2011-05-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a fairly random, list-like post of some things that have been picking away at me. I really just want someone to agree with me, if I'm being really honest. So...in the spirit of getting things out of my head...I'm going to put them down here:)

I'm really not trying to be negative, but rather extend a commentary that negates negativity in a way that may come across negatively? ....No? I thought I take a stab.:

1. Even though it's old news, I'm annoyed by the people who were spouting off righteous indignation immediately after hear that OBL had finally been killed. I had a pretty heavy gut reaction to that event, and found myself sobbing with relief, over something I didn't realize I had much feeling about. About 5 minutes into it, people were already yammering on about how we need not unite over hate, and how we need not celebrate a person's death. Ok...I get it. However, I would like to put out a call to give it 24 hours, before we start in on that stuff. In the moment...it was a visceral reaction from way down deep. For me, it was a stunning reaction to the death of the architect of the moment that switched the pathos of my country's existence from light to dark; the one who made the day happen that tinged all days after it in a shade of fear. It was the day when I all of a sudden didn't let myself look too far in the future. So, yeah...I understand that we need to rise above. But, we have been a nation in mourning for almost 10 years, now. It stands to reason that there would be a strong reaction to the death of the murderer who got that ball rolling. Balanced and rational people will always pull it together...but, give the self-righteous B.S. a rest until the news has settled...that's all I'm asking.

2. One of my pro-choice friends said something to me, a few months ago, that rang a bell in me, that I was only recently able to identify. She said "it astounds me that pro-lifers are so ready to execute someone on death row...aren't they supposed to value life? It doesn't make any sense." Well...back atcha! It's amazing to me that pro-choicers are so ready to murder innocent babies, but are all up in arms about saving people who have chosen to take someone else's life, and be brutal criminals. Why are they more valuable than babies? (By the way...though I am pro-life, I'm not pro-capital punishment...which is why it took me a while to pinpoint what annoyed me about that statement.)

3. I read a review about Water For Elephants. Basically, it said..."yeah, the movie was beautiful, and the actors did a good job...but, it wasn't abstract, it was predictable, it was banal." Well, Boo. Isn't it OK to go to the movies to escape the unpredictability of life and to bask in the beauty and romance of a movie that may be corny, but also just heart-felt entertainment? Why must we downplay the intelligence of the movie, not to mention the movie-watcher, simply because the conversation wouldn't be long in a film class breakdown? I don't always go to the movies to have to decipher and write a dissertation. Get with the spirit, peeps.

4. I really want one of the people that are running the machine to do something just because it's right...not because it gets them votes or profit or gain. Even though I'll fight it until my dying day...I really just wish to wake up and not worry about the mutation of life. I love living this life...it pisses me off that everyone can't feel the same.

Truly...I'm not sad, or in a bad mood...I kind of just have this "Hey! Stop pissin' all over the parade!" feeling.

I read this quote the other day on Dig this Chick. It resonated with me:

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." E.B. White

So...moral of the post? Can we please just lighten up?

{whole marriage} :: speak your peace

2011-05-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

I have a challenge for all of us...all of us women, all of us wives.

It's happening more and more every day. I hear it from friend after friend after friend.

"Well, I think I made a mistake. He's just not the man I thought I was marrying."

Oh, there's a myriad of reasons...not passionate enough, not a good enough friend, not a good enough provider...he's a pig...he's not a good spiritual leader...he's floundering as a father....everything he does annoys me...

...hopefully you get the jist.

Well, LADIES!!...I have a thought. (And as I'm sure you're well aware by now...that means I'm going to share it.)

I think it's time that we shed the shackles of the messages that we are bombarded with every single day! It's time to think of things in a new light.

Think about the message of society:

If you need someone to love you, then you are not adequately loving yourself. i.e. You are incomplete, and to want to be in relationship is selling out.
If you need someone to tell you good things about yourself, then you have an ill-formed and inadequate self-image. You obviously don't respect yourself, and you are less than what you ought to be.
If you are not a lone wolf...and happy being one...you are needy, weak...hysterical.
Loneliness is a form of mental instability.

Ok...now that everyone is listening...go back, read through the list again...and pretend you are a man.

A year or so before I married my husband, I was at a friend's wedding. I remember the exact string of words that came out of the pastor's mouth, as he was addressing the bride. He told her...

"Your husband will live up to...or down to...whatever you believe about him. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't seem fair. But, it's the truth. You can take a man without much potential, and give him a mate that believes he can do anything...and he will be able. You can take a very capable man, mate him to a woman who believes that he is lesser...and he will come to believe it also."

I heard that, and it rang through my ears like a gong.

That's a lot of responsibility. That's a lot of pressure! Could it be true?

All you need, is to look at the beginning. When the world was perfect...when there was no sin...when there was nothing to be upset about...when Adam walked with God...God recognized a loneliness in him. BEFORE THE FALL OF THE WORLD...God recognized the need for man to have a relationship...OUTSIDE of his relationship with the Father.

It's important, people! The marriage relationship took shape before the fall of mankind. So, maybe the message that we need to not need anyone is a bunch of rubbish? Maybe it's a big, fat lie to put wedges in between people, so that resentment and bitterness take root and ruin lives?

Men need relationship. They need us to be their helpmates. They need our encouragement and our respect...even if, and ESPECIALLY if...they don't deserve it.

Guess what...even Adam...who walked with God...was taken down by the words of a woman.

Now, certainly...his sin played a role. He didn't stand on what he knew to be the truth. But, what I want to emphasize is this: even the guy who didn't have to guess at God's will...the guy who SAW God, and talked to Him on a daily basis, the guy who didn't HAVE TO go on faith....HIS WIFE'S WORDS had enough weight with him to make him act against what he knew was right!

This is not a new concept, ladies...we have to understand this!

What a woman says TO her husband, ABOUT her husband, AROUND her husband...even how she speaks of him WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND...it holds tremendous weight!!

Your husband does not live in a society that celebrates the man. "Man-ness" has been replaced in the psychological hierarchy by femininity. Oh, yes it has...just think about it. This society wants men to be in touch with their feminine side...to communicate for hours, to dress a little more civilized...to be a little softer...to be well groomed...to be sensitive and equal-minded....etc. etc. etc.

Oh yes...most of these things are good things...at first glance. But, beat this into the male psyche over and over and over...make sure that their warrior spirits are downplayed and their built-in need to provide for their family is looked at as sexist or "old-fashioned" at best...make sure they know that their gender is not well appreciated...and all of sudden...

we've diminished male-ness...and we're left wondering "where have all the men gone?".

Haven't you heard...having 2 genders is discriminatory. Oh...you hadn't heard? Yes...yes, you have. They just get you to believe a little at a time, until you don't realize what you are hearing.

So, then...can we really be that surprised that our husbands are all of a sudden not everything that we truly need? We've shot ourselves in the foot, here.

Ok, seriously...I can go on and on. I'm really just wanting to put out some food for thought.

What I really want to do is this: I want to challenge all the women who might possibly read this...

Be the biggest cheerleader in your husband's life. Be in his corner. Protect his reputation...even from his own inner demons. Appoint yourself the champion of his worth. Decide that no matter what the world tells him...you will tell him better.

For some, this is going to take some choking down of a big hunk of pride. It may be well-deserved and very much appropriate. Stick with me here...I'm asking you to drop it. Just like that. Drop it.

You may very well have to lie at first. Oh, faint! Get over it.

Speak to your husband as if he is already meeting the need that you are so desperate to get met. If you are angry with him for being lazy...tell him as many times as you can how much you appreciate the hard work he does...and how you don't know what you'd do without him. If you have been at odds with your husband...stop during the evening, look him in the eye...and tell him you are so glad that you are on the same side...how you love that you are in eachother's corners. Say these things through gritted teeth, if you need to...but, if you want to fix an ailing marriage...I'm telling you ...this is the secret.

You have a choice: Build him up or tear him down. When you looked into his eyes and said your vows...did you intend to choose tearing down? My guess is no.

I have people scoff at me all the time about this. "Why should I have to do this for him? He's the one who makes me feel like crap and doesn't say nice things to me!" My response is usually along the lines of..."do you want to argue semantics, or do you want to have a happy marriage?" It's time to get bold about this. This is something I do a lot. And, no, I'm not playing games with my husband. Most of the time, I realize that I am actually reminding myself of what the truth really is...because, usually I am the one who has been dwelling on his shortcomings.

No matter what the situation is in your home...go first. Women are just better at relational issues. It comes naturally to us. So, we can either belly-ache over the fairness, like we're in second grade...or we can get to the business of getting happy...making our marriages whole again. Dare I say...helping your husband to be whole, again? Your need will be met...and you know what? You won't care who made the first move...because you will have realized that the power of life and death is on your tongue...and, that you have used it for life.

Give it 3 tries. Watch the change in your husband. Watch him walk taller...watch him become more affectionate. Watch him become who you are needing him to be. It shouldn't be that shocking...you know how it feels when he recognizes and voices appreciation for you. If he doesn't...I'm willing to bet he probably will after this:)

Lastly...make it a priority to be concerned about your husband's heart. If you're not on his side...who is? I guarantee it's not the world he lives in.

You have the power to get your peace back...the first step is remembering how to speak it.

Just so you know...my husband is a pillar of man-ness, whose masculinity has, in no way been diminished. However, he too is subject to the building up or tearing down of my words. He has experienced both. Every time he has experienced the tearing down...our marriage has been torn down as well.

{whole children} :: my honor without words

2011-05-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

{my honor}

{whole food} :: the first tomato

2011-05-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

We were able to harvest our first tomato.

My husband, who doesn't like tomatoes, decided to taste it...

His eyes opened wide, with a look that said..."Whaaat!? THAT'S what they are supposed to taste like?!" So priceless.

He likes them now:)

Yep...no sour water, mealy, orangey-pink tomatoes here, baby:) It's all deep red, tart, tomato-y bliss that makes you just want to slice it up, sprinkle with some kosher salt and fresh cracked pepper, and eat it for a meal! Next stop: Caprese Salad...every single bit of which will be harvested from our yard, or made in our kitchen...Mozz, Tomatoes, and Basil. Oh...well, I guess we aren't cold-pressing our own olive oil, or making our own salt and pepper...so, there's that.

Oh my word, the rest of this society is missing out! I know we would be a much different place if everyone knew what vegetables are actually supposed to taste like! I just know it. What a travesty took place when we handed the care and feeding of our families and ourselves to a giant agri-business that doesn't care at all about us!

We're taking it back, people...taking. it. back.!

I'm going to make as many people taste my beautiful vegetables as possible so that maybe I can reopen the world of beauty, color, and taste to everyone. I want everyone to know what they're missing out on!

God didn't give us this planet in beige and grey! He didn't just send us tasteless manna from the skies. He created things to be pleasurable and wonderful! He made it so the health of our bodies, and joy of our hearts would be so intertwined that to separate the two would be to make the world...you know...what it is.

We are so under-living this life.

We are soooo under-living this beautiful life!

{whole children} :: sell your labels somewhere else

2011-05-03T05:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not one of those parents that thinks that their child is the most brilliant human being ever created. I don't hold delusions, and I don't subscribe to parental hysteria. However, I know that I have a child whose mind does not operate on the same levels of other children. I have a son whose mind is architectural, scientific, structural, mathematical...and very, very engineering.

It's rough for me, because I'm a literary. My son loves letters...insomuch as he can create their structure..."Mama, up-down-up-down makes an M...down-up-down-up makes a W." He could care less about stories. He could care less about the plot...but, rather..."mama, how did they build that building in that picture?" (got me, kiddo:{) He sees this world in a very different way than I do...in a very different way than it ever dawned on me to. It's extremely early for this personality to emerge to the degree that it has. So, no...I don't think that I have some sort of savant on my hands. But, what I DO KNOW...is that I have a child whose mind has surpassed that of his peers in ways that most people don't look for, at his age.

So, when he doesn't want to sit and listen to a story...a story, by the way, that he has had memorized for the last 2 years, because I read it to him every single night for almost his entire life, so far...I would appreciate it very much if it were not implied to me that his behavior might need to be addressed with medication at some point. I would appreciate it very much, if it would be considered that what is seen as a behavior problem, is actually a result of the subject matter he is expected to pay attention to, is way beneath him. I would like it to be known that... you BORE MY SON TO TEARS.

So...sell your labels somewhere else...'cause THIS mama ain't buyin'. Just because you don't have the energy to help my child flourish, doesn't mean there's something wrong with him...it means there's something wrong with you.

Mama Bear is out to play with those who seek to suggest that labels somehow belong on my child.

{whole me} :: mourning meaning

2011-05-02T05:00:00.000-07:00

As I sat, watching the wedding of Wills & Kate this past Friday, I was struck by something unexpected.

I've never been one for much pomp and circumstance...usually scoff at the idea of formality. I much enjoy ease and familiarity...even with strangers. I like the idea, and have often prided myself on the ability to make someone feel as thought they've known me forever. I do casual. I'm not a private person, and though I sometimes wish I had a demure disposition, I have been known to "get to the point"...and not dance around with suggestions. Truth be known, I can be somewhat of an ice-breaker.

So, imagine my surprise, when watching this event that is arguably the most formal, pompous, demure, and rehearsed event there is...I was deeply moved. Never have I been a royal-watcher, but ever since Diana's death, I always wonder about and root for her sons...my ears perking up to see how they are shaped and what their life will be. So, yeah...I was interested in the wedding. I wanted to see it. What a beautiful moment.

But, there was something else...something tugging in a deeper place....

it was longing.

Longing?! Happy as I am for Duchess Catherine or Princess William or Kate...whatever you want to call her...I don't envy her the life she leads. However, the poise and calm with which she conducted herself, the majesty of Westminster Abbey, the horses with their polished silver, the choir of boys and men that sang...the hats (some of them, ahem)..this all added up to something that I think we are desperate for, in our society...reverence and effort.

It seems to me there's a general disdain for reverence, in this country. Maybe it's because we started as a country, through the circumstance of trying to escape the trappings of a ritualistic society. However, I think somewhere deep inside...our spirits are mourning....well, meaning. I realize that I am longing for a sense of deeper meaning...and, I want my community to share in it with me.

While watching some BBC commentary, a British man was being interviewed by an American reporter. She asked him what he made of the fact that so many Americans were captivated by the wedding...and, this was something that struck me...she said, "even though most would be embarrassed to admit it." *Why? Why are we embarrassed?...we certainly aren't embarrassed by our entertainment export...JERSEY SHORE!!! (Well, I am...but, in general...)* His response really resonated with me, and some of the inner apathy that so many people, including myself, have been experiencing, lately. He said, "Well, there has to be a certain deadness of spirit, doesn't there, not to want anyone to know that you think this is a beautiful thing?"

Why, yes...cute Mr. British Man...there does. Thank you for identifying that for me.

Think about it...as a general rule...we look sideways at enthusiasm. We look sideways at tradition. Don't be too happy...don't be too sad...don't be too Christian..don't be too tactful...don't be too kind...don't be too spiritual...don't be TOO excited...don't be TOO...don't be TOO! But, some things we are more than happy to celebrate TOO MUCH of. (Hello, celebrities with poor judgement!?)

Well...awesome. Where does that leave us? We don't want to put too much effort into anything. We don't want to treasure our pasts. We don't want to celebrate roots...we don't give a crap about heritage. We want to erase history in the name of progression, and we certainly don't want anyone to cling to the past...otherwise, you're backward thinking.

It's not that I don't appreciate progression. Things like civil rights, racial equality, communication...the ability to talk about things that desperately need talking about...the ability to question things that need questioning. However, I think in our classic, American "all or nothing" way of doing things...we've thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.

We've progressed ourselves right into a shallow puddle of muck.

Respect, tact, reverence, decorum, dignity, rootedness...these are all casualties of "progression." I think it's time we start putting things under the right heading, you know? Like, maybe fighting against racism and sexism can be under PROGRESSION...and other things like sexual deviancy, hatefulness, and debauchery can stop being "forms of self-expression" and start being what they are...TRASHINESS.

I'm all about going against the flow of the machine...however, I dont' think that needs to be an excuse to conduct ourselves with absolutely no self control...no tact...no integrity. Maybe we need to be reminded that not every single thought, every single moment of the day, deserves to be spouted out whenever we want to. How truly immature of us. Maybe...just maybe...we should be humble enough to realize that we don't have all the answers. Maybe...just maybe...we should grow the hell up.

I think it's safe to assume, that as we move through this new chapter...after last night's news...maybe we should take a different approach. Maybe the venomous spew that seems to be so rampant amongst people with differing political opinions...maybe we could honor human sacrifice with the end of that. Maybe we could take back our lives from corporate interest...and begin working on human interests...you know taking care of those who need it...loving one another. Being civilized in spirit. Whatever that looks like to you...to me it looks like Jesus.

Maybe deadness of spirit isn't progress...maybe it isn't victory.

Maybe it's time that we lived...truly lived.

"The glory of God is man fully alive." - Saint Irenaeus

{inspiration} :: the sunflower sessions

2011-04-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

Blue? Down in the dumps? Well, take a mason jar, add some giant sunflowers, and PRESTO!...instant joy!

Just a little weekend inspiration from my dining room table to your soul:)

{whole home} :: woolen dryer balls

2011-04-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

As we have journeyed away from harmful chemicals, I had pretty much everything covered... except for the dryer sheet issue. It didn't really dawn on me for a while, that those would leave harmful residue on our clothing and skin. So, imagine my surprise when I was reading a valued blog one day, and realized that I had missed a biggie! Functional though they may be, those suckers are heavy-laden with chemicals and toxins. I was at a loss as to what to do.

So, for a few months, I tried the "nothing" approach. Just the dryer. Well, that was miserable. I'm not a fan of static cling...in fact, it makes me a little furious. Sooo...after much ado, I found woolen dryer balls. (thank you, Google) Of course, the minute I discovered them, they just came out of the wood works and everyone was talking about them...I mean...where had I been?

I have to tell you, I was pretty skeptical, because the claims on these things were kind of unreal...

they cut your drying time by 25%
they last for up to 10 years
they reduce static cling
you can add essential oils if you want scent
no toxins...at all

I doubted it, but I bought some anyway.

Well...I'll gladly eat my hat, because these things work, and I can now do the happy pants dance! So, that's it...$16 for a set of 4, that I just leave in my dryer...and voila!! They do everything they say they will...no static, no toxins, and I'll be doggoned if they don't cut my drying time significantly.

Is there anything negative about them?...well, if you just need something, Eeyore...I occasionally have to unroll them from the end of my sheets. So, there...if you're bound and determined to have a catch, there it is.

Thank you handmade, people driven, community oriented business!

{these have been used for about 4 months, now}

I got mine here. Happy ball shopping:)

{whole food} :: new life

2011-04-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

I posted about our little backyard farm a couple of months ago, and I've taken pictures time and again, with the intent to show the progress as we went. For a while, that was an extremely boring endeavor. But, we kept at it, and with a little help from some rain and temperature pops...WHAMMO...something new happens every day.

It turns out this little farming thing goes way deeper than growing your own food.

I believe that God gave us the duty to work the land with our hands, and to try to be self-sufficient. But, as with every child, the older I get, the more I realize that His instructions to me are not simply face value. As it turns out...this works out heavily in the realm of cultivation. I realize a new metaphor every single day as we do this. In order to bear fruit, we have to be vigilant, consistent, patient, gentle, caring, nurturing...we have to do the physical act of all that it takes to cultivate a spirit, a relationship, a child...a healthy body. We sweat, we ache some, we talk about what's best, we pray, we thank God...it encompasses all the effort it takes to make a life full and real.

I want the best tasting food, from the best possible source, in the best possible way. That takes work...

WORK WORTH DOING.

So, I give you the food...soon to be nourishment to our bodies...currently, the unexpected nourishment for our souls.

{our flamboyant squash blossom}

{the undercover San Marzanos}

{herbs}

{unruly lettuce}

{banana peppers!}

{random prodigal spinach}

{our first color...I can't wait!}

{more tomatoes}

{more lettuces and carrot rows}

{the view from the end}

Thanks, Lord...what will You show me today?

{whole children} :: the great inquisition of 2011

2011-04-26T05:00:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. I know...I don't have any excuses. Yeah...there's school, my child, my husband, my hormones. Truth is...I had the time, but I've been wasting it. God's getting a hold of me about it...don't worry. But, what I really want to talk about today is...

The Great Inquisition of 2011...help. me. Rhonda.

My son has entered that stage where he asks the million questions over and over and over and over and over. But, it's not just an inquisitive stage...he asks questions like "Mama, what's my name?", "Mama, where are my feet? I lost my feet?", "Mama...who's your husband?"...you know, questions he knows all the answers to.

*insert hair pulling*

Here's the thing...I know that he just wants to find a reason to have conversation with us. I love that. It's just problematic when he wants to converse 24 hours a day. To his credit...he's an only child who was SO NOT built to be an only child. He loves people, he loves to talk to people, and his social prowess knows no bounds. I love it. I was the same way as a kid. But, sometimes...we have other things that need attending to. Bless his sweet, little heart...he's driving us crazy.

I know, I know...there will be a day, approximately 9 years from now, where I will be wishing he would just open up to me...ask me some questions. There will be a day, when the 4 year old will be a 13 year old, and I will be longing for the problems of today...wishing I had all the answers to his questions. I know that, and I'm working on it. But, today...

I feel like I'm in an interrogation room all day, every day. But, then he does this...

...and I just want him to wake up and ask me more inane questions, and step on my feet, and kick me in the shins, and leave a trail of destruction in his wake...sigh. I love him and his little warrior spirit...crazy as it makes me.

{whole me} :: facing the giants

2011-03-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

I just need to share this. I need to share, because this moved me to tears...not just because of the subject matter, but because what she's doing is what I aspire to do. I don't have the confidence or the credentials...but, this is what it's all about. This is the life in my head. It's such an important path...and this reminded me that I have the power. Little housewife, mommy me...

...I have the power.

{whole me} :: being

2011-03-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

I've been having a difficult few weeks. Internally...it's all internal. I struggle to be as genuine, here, as I can, because I like to entertain and be quippy when I write this blog. But, sometimes, I think it's important to share struggle.

Some of the greatest inspiration, the most profound healing, and the most genuine "I get that!" moments, when I read my favorite blogs, are when the writer lets go and just shares the "dirties" in their heart.

We're all in this together.

If we're not...we may as well just hang it up...right now.

Sometimes, I feel like a bad stage mom. Only...I'm not imposing my warped versions of myself onto a child...I'm projecting them onto me. The truth is, I've been in a bad mood for about 6 weeks.

I have reasons...lots of reasons. But...everyone has reasons.

The issues are not the problem. I have allowed them to control my response. I have neglected to spend time in the Word, sleep correctly, exercise, and be thankful. I have come to realize that my bad mood may not have lasted so long if I had handled myself correctly.

But, there was this belief...a belief that said I have the right to be as blah as I feel like being...because of my reasons.

Well, you know what...it affected everyone around me...but, most of all...my husband. Our marriage has taken a real hit these past few weeks. The fruits of my bad mood are ugly...verbal tear downs of my husband, rejection of my responsibilities as the caretaker of our home, and a feeling of deep discontentment with my life. In the light of the what's happening around our world...how disgusting is that?! Heck...in light of what's happening in the lives of some of the people I know, it's out of line.

I'm happy to report that after a good night's rest, followed by a good solid hour in the Word and in prayer, this morning...I feel well on my way to repair. However, I have a lot of work to do.

Now that I have gotten the confession out of the way...I don't want to beat down the experience with a bunch of oppressive guilt. There are actual reasons, here...let's explore.

Hormones - Hormones are a thorn in my side. They have been making life difficult for me since I was a very little girl. Explain to an eight year old why she needs to wear a bra 3 years before all her friends...and that when she's nine...she'll enter the fun world of menses. It wasn't fun then...and it's less fun when you are a 20-something woman who desperately wants to have children, and is unable to conceive. I will go further into hormones at some point...but, they are so in depth and complex that I may have to treat it as a research paper. For now...they are the source from which so many of my life's issues spring...and second only to sleep apnea...six weeks of irrational depression leads the pack.

Sleep Apnea - building on the aforementioned hormone problem, sleep apnea is literally killing me. I'm working hard to get weight off (also made difficult by the hormone monster). However, when you don't get oxygen most of the night, and you sleep like a dying fish...it's easy to see how proper choices and more productive self-soothing techniques can get lost in the fog. Not to mention the pain factor...When you wake up to every single joint in your body aching, all your muscles being completely rigid, and your heart racing 90 miles an hour, it's a tough sell to get up and go work out...even though that is actually the answer. Exhaustion doesn't even begin to cover the effects.

Feeling overwhelmed - when one struggles just to get their day started, it stands to reason that things will start to pile up. I don't know about other moms, but my list of things to do on a daily basis, doesn't lend itself to late starts and less-than-productive paces. When you are a full time student, fledgling farmer, mother, wife, housekeeper, lover, psychologist, guidance counselor, builder-upper, chef, writer, teacher, organizer, and handyman...with the added pressure of not feeling fully equipped to do ANY of them, much less ALL of them...and then add to the pile that you feel called to do all of them, with almost the same amount of vigor...well...how do you feel just reading it?

Inadequate spiritual feeding - not getting up in the morning to have time with God, allowing yourself to get out of the habit of going to fellowship and worship at church, not having time to spend with great women, not having time to pursue things you enjoy, and not having time to reflect...does not a joyful woman make. Thankfully, my husband was kind enough to make it very easy for me to go wandering, yesterday...bookstores, World Market, Bed Bath & Beyond (where I found a gorgeous, organic cotton shower curtain ON CLEARANCE! *thank You, Lord.) I came home feeling like I had a second wind. The fruits of that are showing all over today!

So, now...what's the answer to avoiding this issue in the future?

It's just what you think it is. It's something you already know. It's what's picking at the back of your brain...

It's returning to The Source...the One who called you to the life you lead. The One who equips you to fulfill each and every one of those callings. The One who completely heals old physical ailments. The One who blessed you with the husband and the children you have. The One who makes it possible for that husband to forgive you time and again, when you realize what you've been doing. The One who cares enough to do the tiniest, seemingly ridiculous little thing to let you know that He's thinking about you...like place the very last beautiful shower curtain, that adheres to your convictions about product manufacturing, in your face, and then make it half price so that you can afford it. The One who lovingly takes you in His arms, gently wipes the dirt from your face, and nourishes your aching body...heals your exhausted spirit...and then sends you back out to do the work you've been given.

It's realizing that you aren't a failure for not being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled...because you alone cannot. You realize that your failure came from not maintaining your roots in Christ...from whom those fruits are a natural bi-product of closeness with Him.

It's finally going and falling at the feet of the Savior...and knowing that's how you do it all...by letting Him.

*I realize that not everyone who reads my blog is a believer in Christ. I'm not here to imperialize my heart onto anyone else, or God forbid, alienate anyone. I believe, however, that God reveals Himself to all who really want Him to. Whatever you do or believe...plug in, listen to your spirit, and find true healing.

{just for fun: my shower curtain from God:)}

{whole food} :: the rubber meets the road

2011-03-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

Wow! What a whirlwind of a month was February?! Lots and lots has been going on around this place, and I am bound and determined to give you the highlights, without getting into the nitty gritty of the goings on in my head, the past few weeks...that's later. For now, I want to highlight the season we are in, right now...the grunt work it takes to realize a dream...

A year ago, we watched Food, Inc.

It changed the course of our lives, forever.

We watch lots of documentaries. We always get something from them. However, it's often something that touches us with some valuable information, and then we move on, change a couple of practices, and things look very much the same. But, this time...it stuck with us. It changed us at a cellular level. Suddenly, many things about our previous lifestyle were simply unacceptable...unthinkable. We would never be the same. I have documented our quest for real food, and in some ways...we ended up back where we started. But, in the most important ways...we are in another world.

We are at that point where the rubber meets the road. It's time to put up, or shut up. It's time to...well, you know. In short, we plant food, get animals, or we just get busy dyin' faster.

We opt for the former...howeeeevvverrrr...

Let me just say...all the daydreams about working the soil, and feeling the sun on my neck...so wonderful and peaceful...well, CRAP!

*Caveat Alert!!*

Turns out, I've been a city girl for 33 years, and for some reason, my poor back...timid after years of beatings by a pair of bully giganto-boobs...is not so chipper about joining the real food movement. It's one thing to get all passionate about growing food, and type about it all day...it's quite another to, you know...DO IT! Sheesh!!

Hoeing rows and planting food hurts. Shoveling compost...hurts. My husband and I both feel like we were the junk cars in a monster truck rally. If this were a workout program, I'd be waving my bloodied kerchief, dialing the chiro and figuring out how to let everyone in on the fact that all my talk is, once again, not going to materialize.

But...

...I have him...and he does most of the work...

...and we have about 300 square feet of plant-able space for food...

...and so we planted 1/3 of that this past weekend...

...and I got one of the most valuable manicures of my life...

...and we have food...REAL. FOOD...in the ground...

...and my son loves this life...

...and a homestead is born. Our homestead.

So...the difference here is this...for us, this is a matter of life and death.

Back be darned...I'm doing this.

I'm gritting my teeth and barreling through.

My back will catch up to my resolve.

My resolve will not be shaken.

{updates} :: the wheels are turning

2011-02-25T10:09:00.001-08:00

I swear, I'm going to stop the dramatic bi-weekly comebacks.

There really is stuff going on, and I promise I will be back to write about it. As soon as I can find the time...which literally may be next week...but, this is what having a lot of life to live is about:)

Stay tuned...

{whole children}::soul space

2011-02-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

For the past couple of weeks, things have been a bit challenging at the Utterback house. As is the case with most 4 year olds, we have been having a tough time getting our boy to listen to us. Let me just get really real here, and tell you, there are days I've felt like I'm in that movie The Others with Nicole Kidman...you know, the one where she and her children are living in this house, and there are other people there, she doesn't understand why they won't acknowledge her, and then realizes that she is actually dead...and a ghost? That's where we have been. I mean, I'm speaking, and I hear the words coming out of my mouth...TEST 1, 2!, TEST...TEST!!...but, alas there is no reaction from my child. You know that blue-in-the face feeling?...yeah, I've had it for about a month straight. Yeah...it's not working for us.

I prayed for a solution, and gave myself a good, hard look...and what I realized is that I have not been keeping a tight enough reign on my household.

Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not talking about being strict. What I'm talking about is the responsibility bestowed on mothers to set the tone of their homes. We all know that careful planning and organization are key for keeping finances in check, and for promoting responsibility. However, I think what's even more key, is what it does for the spirit of your home...and especially your children.

For the past couple of months, I have been asking him a lot of questions that begin with the phrase..."What do you want?"...you know, to eat, to wear, to do, to watch? Ugh! Now...at first glance (and, if you're inclined to believe the stupidity of our society), that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Of course we need to give our children choices. However, I have basically been letting him lead me. *self-truth punch to the gut!* Because, I have so many different things on my plate right now, I was basically looking to him...my 4 YEAR OLD!...to take over some of the decisions! It's not something that I did consciously, and as soon as I realized it, I immediately put a stop to it. However, I had successfully created an environment, where there was no solidity...and, it showed.

I fully believe children need to have the basic understanding that someone's got their back. For the home to be a purposeful, well-run entity is to create space...for peace, harmony, and development. Children don't need to have to make the choices about meal planning, activities and clothing. They need to be learning and soaking things in...discovering and getting lost in imagination. While that sounds whimsical...it's imperative. It's how they develop who they are going to be. They need soul space.

Speaking of soaking things in...our situation also has another component. It's one we all know well...Television. As I write this, we are on our second day of a TV blackout week, in our home. I like TV. It's fun, it can be educational, and I think it can be an asset...occasionally. I'm sad to admit, we had created a habit of turning on the television. We like to keep up with current events, and we like to be entertained. Add to that, DFW decided to have a northern-style winter, this year. There were weeks on end that we didn't leave our house much.

*information and noise overload*

Have you ever felt frustrated, like you're about to lose your cool, when all of a sudden the air unit shuts off, or the hood fan over your stove turns off, and you realize that THAT was the source of your ire, and you didn't even realize it? Background noise is a major soul-sucker...especially when that background noise consists of opinions and rancor, angst, bad attitudes, self-glorification, and disrespect. I realized that Jax' sporadic behavior could be linked to the fact that the TV was on, all the time. A day and a half into the blackout...and things are 200% improved. He is calm, engaging in conversation, decompressed...like his spirit is quieter. It's not just him, either. All of us have soul space...to think, to ponder, to imagine, to hear, to listen...to observe. We have been putting on music, and that has given us the space to worship. It's been awesome! Like I said...soul space.

We are going to keep going with our experiment. As for me, I am going to be more purposeful about what's going on in my home. I don't have the right not to. For me, that looks like getting up early in the morning. I need to receive from the Lord...His love, His word, His wisdom. I need to get my head on straight, before everyone else needs me to do it for them. I'll let you all in on how it goes as I forge ahead this week.

Take inventory on the spirit of your home, too...it's well worth it...and getting back on track is so much quicker than you think! It's all about the soul space!

{whole body}::oil cleansing method

2011-02-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

I was blessed with pretty good skin. I think there were a couple of months back in 7th grade, before I cared enough to have a good skin care regimen, that I broke out around menses (which my husband now lovingly refers to as "shark week"). Other than that...my skin was always pretty good. However, around ages 25-27, things started to go awry.

Acne has still never been an issue...but, peaches and cream I am not. Certainly, there are hormone and health issues that have contributed to the problem...but, drab does not even begin to describe my the lack of luster on my face. Not to mention, the added porous enormoucus that is the bane of my T-zone. Bonus.

I long ago stopped using commercial skin products...maybe as long as 9 years ago. That certainly helped, and there is one product that I will never again go without. However, none of them actually changed the landscape and structure of my skin.

Enter: Crunchy Betty.

This chic's blog has changed my life. Her rockin' wit and tireless pursuit of natural skin care have contributed to my daily life in a wonderful way. Not only do I no longer spend extra money on skincare products (even organic, the integrity of which, is now called heavily into question), I hardly spend any money at all. Not only that...but, my skin is glowing, again!

The biggest contributor to my improving skin, is The Oil Cleansing Method. I literally had NO IDEA, that this option existed. I was definitely skeptical, because well...who ever heard of rubbing oil all over your face, in order to clean your pores?! But, trust me when I say...you'll wonder what in the world you were ever thinking, stripping your face of all of it's benefits...every night and every morning, since you were 9! The first time I did it...my skin looked like it did when I was 16 years old. I could NOT believe it.

{oil cleansing players...Castor oil $6.99, and Sweet Almond Oil $4.59 @ Vitamin Shoppe}

{I use a 70/30 ratio of sweet almond/castor oils, respectively, and then put it in a cute bottle, just to up the feel-good ante. I've had this bottle for almost 2 months...and, it came from the 2 bottles above. Do your own math.}

I love every second of oil cleansing. It is so meditative...so centering. It's good for circulation...and spending 5 minutes, every other day, concentrating on taking care of myself. I highly recommend it.

{just a glimpse of my ever-expanding homemade skincare shelf}

By the way... I highly suggest reading the link about Oil Cleansing Method. I will go into the endless benefits of castor oil, at some point...but, I'm just too lazy, today. However, if you read the link, you will get a jist;)

NO CHEMICALS = HAPPY:)

{whole food}::dirty work

2011-02-01T14:19:00.001-08:00

This is the part of the Real Food movement that I don't like...the part that requires me to get the eye of the tiger, when I just want to dance in the fields...the part that has me pacing our family library, with my blood boiling, when I really just want to sit down and write wholesome, fun posts about our little family's journey.

This part is the fight.

It is worth noting that I am so. not. a. fighter. I hate fighting. I bob and weave at every turn. I don't want to do it...except when it has to do with my family, my child...or our food supply. What I've learned in the past year or so has awakened a whole other part of me. Where I would normally feel powerless, wishing I could be more courageous and be willing to go into battle...even if I'm the only one fighting...I am now always at the ready.

I still feel small, but my jaw is set, my eyes are glaring at the horizon...and, if I'm bloodied in battle...I count it an honor. I almost constantly feel the rumble of a far-off drum beat under my feet. I can feel the vigilant masses gathering under home-made banners, with whatever ammunition they could fashion out of their household wares...the heat that is gathering at my back. This...this is full on Braveheart-style, fist-clenching, you-better-believe-we'll-give'em-hell kind of stuff. In short...I'm pissed.

So, what is it that has me all riled up? Big Food. Monsanto. GMO's...particularly the newly greenlit Roundup Ready Alfalfa. Our. Government...past and present...Clarence Thomas...2 decades worth of FDA and USDA officials, presidents, Supreme Court Justices....all those that have paved the way for the murderous hoards to come in an claim what is God's, that he entrusted to us...and to pervert it into the death of the entire world's food, in the name of greed and profit. This is no ordinary case of money-grubbing. This is pure. EVIL.

I will just rant on and on, if I don't stop myself. So, I'm going to re-direct you to a wonderful piece, written by a decidedly more self-controlled blogger @ Homestead Revival.

Let me just say this. I know that God is still in control. But, I also know that we aren't supposed to rest on our laurels, and chalk it up to God's will. It's not His will...it's just what has happened, as a result of free will. He created and cherishes free will, because it's the thing that ensures that we come to Him of a free heart, by choice, because we love Him. He's not going to screw with it. That's why He gave those of us who DO want to be with Him, Jesus. We needed an exit strategy. It was no secret to God that things were going to get bad. It doesn't mean that we need to not fight. It's our duty. If for nothing else...

...so that he can fight the battles that need fighting in the future. So that he doesn't have to live in a Book of Eli world. So that he can have a legacy.

{my letter to President Obama}

Hey, Goliath...

...I'm coming for you.

*Lost-reminiscent bass drum beat* (just for levity)

{whole home}::customizing your home

2011-01-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

There are several facets involved in changing your lifestyle. Sometimes, the most overwhelming issues are the logistics...i.e. I don't have room for that, I don't have the equipment necessary, there's no place...etc. Oftentimes, successful changes are about having the proper tools.

When our homes have a rhythm, and we upset the apple cart with a need for change, the status quo can be very difficult to break. That is equal parts good and bad, in my mind. Especially as women, it's our job to create that rhythm and heartbeat in our home. That's part of our calling. So, it's not necessarily a bad thing to be met with resistance (even from ourselves), when we want to start marching on the upbeats. (my inner band nerd is leaking out...I apologize).

When we started looking toward an urban homesteading lifestyle, I got overwhelmed with all that I was going to need to be successful. First and foremost on my mind...room to work and storage. Ironically, when we really started picking up speed on our mental plans...we didn't even have a home...ha! In order to grow and make your own food, make your own cleaning supplies, reclaim and upcycle, store food for the winter, buy in bulk...you have to have a space to grow food...a place to can...a place to store. We were blessed enough to be able to rent a home, with a sizeable back yard, a supportive landlord, and a few bonus neighbors who are like-minded...yay!! (Thank You for that little nod of confirmation, God:) One other helpful thing...a breakfast area in the kitchen AND a separate dining area.

I'm learning to think outside the box with things. Generally, I'm the kind of person who likes everything to go where it belongs...i.e. breakfast area in kitchen = a place to put a table for casual dining. However, in my quest to tailor-fit my life to what makes sense for US...not the builder's intentions...I decided to extend my kitchen work area into the "breakfast area". It doesn't yet have all the storage and workspace that it will eventually have...but, we are about half way there. This is what it looks like:

{another view}

My hope is to have everything we need to prepare all of our own food products in our home, in a way that makes the job more convenient.

I absolutely love the concept of design and beauty. What's changing for me, is what I consider beautiful. If I listen to my most authentic self...I realize that what grabs my attention, isn't what would be considered aesthetically pleasing to the masses. I love seeing evidence of life. I think it's beautiful to be able to see that real people live real life. I love color and texture...a little bit utilitarian...a little bit rustic...alot eclectic. So, though my little kitchen work area may not be featured in Better Homes and Gardens...

it's a better home for us, than I could have possibly imagined. As for the gardens...

{a sneak peek at our very first preparations}:)

{updates} :: what's working

2011-01-30T09:19:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday was the one year blogoversary for {whole family project.} I didn't make a big to-do out of it, because I was exhausted yesterday, and I didn't have the oomph to sit down and write. Don't think I'm not excited...I am! I really was just very blah, yesterday.

That being said, I think it's an appropriate time to see how the project is coming along. I tend toward dwelling on all the things I hope to do...all the places I hope to go...instead of highlighting what progress is happening...now.

*sidebar* - something I am working on, is living in contentment. It dawns on me, that always being annoyed with myself for all I haven't achieved, is counter-productive, and may very well be making sure I don't make steady progress. I'm getting out of the business of discouraging myself, thank you very much. If I want discouragement...I'll watch the news.*

{back story}

Last year at this time, I started {whole family project}, because I was looking for more. I wanted to do something with my passion for writing, and at the same time, incorporate my love of the holistic lifestyle and natural healing, with the added element of my passion for happy marriages and family.

When I saw Food, Inc. for the first time...it took on a life of it's own. I immediately felt the call to Real Food activism. I immediately looked at my proverbial surroundings and saw them as the sham that they are. I immediately wanted out. I could feel my insides clawing at me...I all of a sudden wanted to sell everything I owned and venture out...looking for "real". So...with a little help from an exciting God...we did...almost...just that. We sold half of what we owned, put the rest in storage and went on a journey...a vision quest...a hunt. 10 weeks, 10 states...endless craziness.

I didn't find what I was looking for.

God used that trip to let me in on a little secret. The project I need to be doing is in me. He let me see beautiful things, He pushed me to face some fears...and, then He let me drop on my silly, little butt and see Him...right there, in my face...no matter where I am. I love Him for that:) As to food...we realized that the locavore movement is pretty saturated in the Northwest...and so, we really feel like we are being called to forward that movement here...in the heart of Big Agri-country. It's here that the move toward Real food needs to be pushed...to be welcomed...to be accessible. I intend to do everything in my power to help.

So...though it's seemed like slow progress...we've come a long way in a year. My husband had no luck finding a job after his April lay-off...so, we went back to school. We are using that opportunity to further our cause, as well. He is getting his bachelor's in Horticulture (he already had an A.A.S.), and I entered culinary school.

As to our home-life...we are always growing and branching in our spiritual and emotional lives together...our little band of three. We are posturing our home to accommodate the lifestyle we are entering. I am going to post details about that in tomorrow's post. However, we are making room, plans, and preparations for our little slice of urban farming and homesteading joy:) Things are coming along.

Probably the most major issue that we felt needed...um...projecting...was our health. While I have an above-average understanding about natural health and food...that doesn't mean that I am a product of that knowledge. I am a human being, with human level habits, and human emotions, and a super-human appetite. Not only that...I come from a legacy culture of emotional and entertainment eating. I really, truly want to educate people about holistic lifestyles...but, at this moment...I don't present with any credibility. You get my point?... I'm fat. However, I'm not just interested in getting thinner...I want real wellness...whole wellness. So, to that end we are making some steps to add life-giving nutrients into our diets in a meaningful way. We are an over-fed, under-nourished society, and our bodies aren't getting what they need in order to activate their own healing mechanisms...much less have any joy or energy or zeal. I am finding some very convenient and wonderful solutions to that problem for our family...and one of the biggest ones is the Green Smoothie.

{our very first green smoothie}

We made some investments at the start of the year, that we felt would really contribute to our progress. The biggest one?...our Vitamix:) It's a very powerful blender that has gotten more nutrients in our system in the past 10 days, than we have probably consumed in the past year.

Our basic recipe:

2 cups coconut milk

2 whole apples

2 whole carrots

handful of grapes

1-2 bananas

2 scoops chia seeds

2 packed cups of kale or spinach

{put in Vitamix...and blend};)

{the man likes it}

{the boy likes it}

{and, I like it}.

We drink one every morning, accompanied by one or two eggs, and the result is amazing. Brandon and I have each lost 6 pounds, our appetites are way down...and our energy is way up. Don't let that last comment bypass you...OUR ENERGY IS WAY UP! This is huge for us! If that's all I got from it...I would do it every single day.

The momentum is building, and there are days to be seized, horns to be grabbed, battles to be fought and won, joy to be experienced, and peace to be had. There is sun to feel on my face, messes to be made and cleaned up, inspirations to be soaked in, prayers to be said, evil to be overcome, and worship to be shouted.

I want all of it. Bring it, life...BRING IT!

Out of Hibernation

2011-01-21T13:31:00.001-08:00

Wow.

It's good to be back.

For the past couple of months, I have been getting settled in our new home, doing the holiday thing, having some emotional breakdowns...only to be gently lifted back to solid ground by a loving God and husband...and pursuing a purposeful family dynamic.

2010 was a good year.

It didn't feel good every day...but, it certainly was a good year.

It brought change, disappointment, adventure, clarity, frustration, elation, immense loneliness, suffocation, learning, dissatisfaction, heartbreak, fear, relief...it stole my comfort, forged my way, allowed me to see, made me face some giants, made me feel very insignificant...

and then gave me Yosemite.

I saw man-made wonders, worshiped in solitude on a beach, in front of the Pacific Ocean, realized that my dream places were not what dreams were made of, and felt the open arms of my beloved Texas, embrace me when I came home.

I said goodbye to some things and said hello to others...best of all blogging and backyard farming.

I found a passion, got more passionate about the ones I already had, and became an activist for the things that are most important to me.

Memories were made, places explored...but, the best exploration came when I explored my heart.

I rooted in and shed some skin...and heard the whispers of my ancestors telling me to press on.

Best of all, I spent every single day caring for the 2 guys that make up my calling. I gazed into their eyes, spent as much time as I could with them in my arms, fed them, cared for them...and fell further in love with them every single day. I worship my Father by loving them as I do. Every day I strive to do it better.

The new year has me thinking about things in a different way. On whole family project, I want to discuss the things that I am doing...not the things I'm planning on doing later. I want to highlight the things that are already working....not just the things that I think might work...if I could just get my stuff together. There are amazing things in the works at Chez Utterback...and I can't wait to share them all with you!

Have a wonderful week...I've missed this so much!

Blessings on you, my friends.

From way back here in the back...

2010-12-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

Still here...breathing in and out. I've had an aversion to coming onto my blog, since I can't figure out why it's giving random people a trojan virus, and because I can't get anyone from Blogger to help me. Anyway - I am trying to get this sucker back up and running, because I realize as I type this...I'm having blog depression.

I need this...

Helloooooo....

2010-11-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

Oh!

Hello!

I'm still here...coming up for air, from the depths of beautiful chaos...chaos made up of school, painting, renovation, spray paint, cooking on an element that I've unearthed from the piles of kitchen boxes, mauve and country blue wallpapers, flooded hallways, empty boxes, school books, exams, errands, umpteen trips to the Home Depot, drills, furniture, a new family dining table that I'm certain we will still be sitting down to when I'm 80 years old...and did I mention the country wall paper borders?...mothering, wife-ing, sleeping, finding my old stuff, remembering why I picked all that old stuff, wondering how some things escaped the great Journey to Real purge of Spring 2010, planning to purge them in the fall cycle, and being really, really...REALLY... grateful.

This house was a God thing. He knew just what we needed...and gave it to us, despite my insatiable need to belly ache all along the way.

There will be a post on the house very soon. For now, I just need to let you all know that I'm still here, and that I can't wait to be back every day as soon as possible!

Until then...I'll be nesting my happy socks off!

Happy Fall, Ya'll!

Re-Post :: Coasting

2010-11-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

*originally posted on May 22, 2010

Well...it happened.

I cracked up.

It turns out that half way through this trip, we can put one question to rest, already. Ready?

*Aleisha needs to live in or near a town.*

I love mountains...

I love trees...

...and I REALLY love the beach...

...a beach, by the way, that I jogged on, & had some praise and worship time with the Designer and Manufacturer of that magnificent beach & the ocean that crashed over those sands. But yesterday, when we were driving to a campsite...in some mountains and trees...let's just say they had, at that moment, lost their charm. The car started to crumple in on me, I got nauseous, and I burst into tears...demanding to be out of the woods and the car, immediately!

I'm talking full-on Veruca Salt.

I've been seeing amazing things...but, I have been showering with my sandals on, and brushing my teeth in gas stations, and my ability to be fine with not having a place to hang my hat is diminishing at a rapid pace. Not to mention, the stuffing of everything we own into the back of the XTerra, the not having a readily available washing machine, and the fact that I really need one of my own cups of coffee, sent me to the point of disintegration. I'm just tired. I'm a settler...I like to nest. This whole thing has been an enormous stretch for me. Although I'm ashamed that I yelled at my sweet husband, who incidentally settled us into a motel for the week, near Portland...I'm not mad at myself for cracking. I knew it would happen...and truth be told...I'm not sure you'd find a large percentage of women who would be willing to do this in the first place.

I want to grow food, and I want to have access to nature...but, I love culture & art & architecture...I need to know that I can go to the symphony or wander around a Barnes & Noble if I need to, and I REALLY love skylines...I love cities. It's becoming clear that this farming endeavor is going to need to be more of an urban project;)

So, in the light of yesterday, I was bound to have a day of illumination. If there is one thing I know...transformation is never easy, and just because you're near the ocean, doesn't mean you all of a sudden lose all your vapid character flaws...just ask the residents of Los Angeles:) What I do know is this...Wherever you go, there you ARE. The issues that created the life I didn't want back home are the same ones that live inside me, out here on the road. The key is...the issues are IN me...not around me. All that changes, if I don't work to change myself, is I pitch fits in more beautiful surroundings. But...my wise, God-given sister-friend, Heather reminded me today...that yes, wherever I go, there I am. But, wherever I go, there my Lord IS, also.

I don't know how people live without Him...because, there's no such thing as just coasting...

...even on the coast.

Re-Post :: Paging Jimmy Stewart....and could someone find Clarence?

2010-11-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

*originally posted on April 1, 2010

Well, I was re-reading my post from yesterday, and I saw the line when I referred to this world as a cesspool...well, I'm sorry about that. If I really thought this world was a cesspool, I wouldn't care less about what we do to it, and I wouldn't think it was possible that we could change things. I do, however, believe that our country's hub is a cesspool, but D.C. ...well, that is home to one of my very most favorite people in the world, so it can't all be a toxic waste dump. I believe that distinction is localized to a small area of the city...like maybe the size of a mall. *cough*

See now, this is all just more evidence that I need to go cry on the shoulder of a giant redwood, take a nap with a mountain, and have coffee with the ocean. But, trust me...I love the world. It is our greatest and steadiest gift, from the most awesome Creator. I mean it...I love this place. It's easy to get all geared up and pressed down by the weight of the war going on inside. But, beauty still kicks ugly's butt in the point spread, and good just doesn't get the same press as evil. Moral of that story?...say goodbye to the press. One of my soul parachutes...Amos Lee...says it best..."Nothing is more powerful than beauty in a wicked world." Delicious, right?

Some things, right now, are really grotesque. Totally. But...they were when the ceiling was painted in the Sistine Chapel, they were when Ansel Adams was taking his first photos of Yosemite...they were when a Man sacrificed His Life for me, and then beat death by rising again.

You know what?

Wars in Rome started and stopped...the Sistine Chapel remains.

The Dust Bowl and the Great Depression hit, and the Adams' photos still remain...not to mention that Yosemite is the crown jewel of America's National Parks system, which Adams fought to begin.

A couple thousand years later, Jesus sits at the throne of Heaven...the cross and the tomb have long since been reclaimed by the earth...but, I live sanctified and free...right now.

So, you see...beauty wins. It always has.

It really IS a wonderful life.

Re-Post :: Authenticity

2010-11-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

*this was originally posted on February 18, 2010

As of late, I have been feeling VERY stagnant. I feel blah all the time...and not just physically. I have this unprecedented (for me) feeling of apathy, but my heart wants passion and joy, and I want desperately to be one of those women that rolls with the punches, that keeps her chin up, and maintains her ability to keep going at all costs. I'm not one of those women...at least not yet. I am more the throw-me-a-curveball-I'm-gonna-shut-down-an-not-do-anything, types of women.

So, in my effort to shirk this flat-lining person that I currently am, I have been feeling the need to purge...and I mean EVERYTHING! (This is a terrifying notion to my husband, because I REALLY like to get rid of stuff. I come from a family of "stuff" hoarders, so I start to suffocate if there is something in my house that I don't need...and boy do I like to give stuff to Goodwill! It makes me giddy.) I felt it coming on a few weeks ago, so when I opened the latest issue of Natural Health magazine and saw a 20 page spread on detoxing your entire life...from your body to your pantry to whole house...well, it opened the floodgates. Visions of a garage sale & a pile of giant black trash bags on the steps of the Salvation Army, danced in my head. Oh boy...it's ON!

(*I love Natural Health magazine. I'm coo-coo about recycling, so I don't really feel bad about my magazine problem, but let's be real...I DO have one. I love them and they love me.)

So, today, I started my walk-through process, finding things that I want to sell, things I want to give away, etc. I am beginning to realize how much stuff I have that I don't actually LIKE. I began to wonder about that, and it dawned on me that I have a serious "what will they think?" issue. I've never really noticed this about myself, before, but I am highly motivated about what other people are going to think. I began to examine this yesterday, when I was in a store that I love. I picked up this throw pillow that was REALLY quirky, and I loved it...but, I immediately thought, "oh, so'n so would think that was silly." Ok, just to clarify...this "so'n so" hasn't been to my house in years. Neither have any of the other people for whom I regularly sensor myself to please. Weird, right? I have been living in such a way, that I answer to imaginary people in my head all the time, when trying to make decisions for myself. I mean...THEY don't need to be comfortable in my skin or my home...I DO.

So, here's the thing. My mission for this year, is to live authentically. I am going to do my best to make decisions, decorate my house, and anything else I can think of, to please my Heavenly Father, my boys, and myself. It's not that I'm going to completely disregard others...it's just that if I want to by a flour sac pillow for my living room, with a giant, aqua marlin on it, or get another tattoo...or (this is a big one) get my 32 year old nose pierced...I'm gonna.

Other people's expectations are baggage. I'm not talking about people expecting you to be nice, or the government expecting you to follow the laws, or God expecting you be a good steward of the things that He gives you...I'm talking about what other people want you to BE, in order to satiate their own need for self-justification. If you are an earthy girl at heart (which I am, and always have been), then by all means, live that way. If you are buttoned up Alex Keaton, who was spawned of two hippies...then live like that. I don't think that one needs to be an afront to society or a complete kook to live authentically, either, though.

My goal is this...not to indulge my every whim in life, but to live in a way that is pleasing to the Lord, temper certain things for my husband and my son (i.e. not dreading my hair, though I have always wanted to try it, because my husband loves it as it is), do the things that give me joy (regardless of the eyebrow raises I'll get from certain people), and to live as ME. I am going to set aside anything that doesn't help me achieve that goal...person, thing, habit, or mentality.

* So...if you don't feel like you can hang out with me, if I am a healthy, fit, exuberant, nose-stud wearing, traditional food-eating, family loving woman of God, whose house might just have a big green dresser or lots and lots of star paper lanterns in it...then we should probably wrap up our relationship sometime in the next year or so...'cause I'm leaving this slobby lump of self-imposed limitations on the side of this trail of tears, and I'm going to write, sing, cook, travel, run, and yoga my way to Happytown.

You comin'?

Re-Post :: You say "hippie" like it's a bad thing...

2010-11-03T05:00:00.000-07:00

*originally posted on February 5, 2010

Here's the thing. I keep asking myself what I want out of this "whole" project. The issue with going whole in this society, is that you are at constant odds with the world around you. Those of us who believe in natural healing, whole food, getting back to basics...we live as antitheses to the relentless pressing to live conveniently, to keep up...to keep consuming all they have to give.

My husband and I had a conversation a couple of months ago about the world our son will be a part of. I was lamenting that he will most likely never be required to look something up in a page and binding dictionary or encyclopedia, or for that matter, ever read a book that has a smell...or that he would even have to turn pages on. He will never NEED to look something up in a phone book. We began to talk about all the tasks that will be obsolete to him, as everything is becoming (or has already become) a push-button situation. We began to wonder if the idea of "effortless living" was something that we wanted to pass on to him. Really? What's good about not putting any effort into anything? I was more than a little moved to see the movie Wall-E...the people in the future never moving from their seats that do everything for them, that have no more bone mass left, never eat anything not processed, and can't even walk? WHY in the name of all that's holy would we want to live without effort? And what genius called that living? Let's explore just SOME of how this is working for us, so far:

Not 2 months ago, I read an article in the news about how the U.S. military officials were going to Congress to address an unprecedented issue. They needed help finding a solution to the fact that the young adults, usually fresh out of high school, that were coming into the recruiting offices were failing their entrance requirements at a startling rate. Why? Because they are testing too low on "basic intellect" and "physical ability". Basically...they're too dumb and too fat! We've all had dorky, less-than-athletic friends from high school sign up to be in the military, and then return after six weeks as Oh-my-word-they-made-him-hot? desirables, right? Break this down with me...the kids that are graduating high school RIGHT NOW, and are going into recruiting offices are so under-educated and so physically handicapped by weight, that they are NOT ABLE TO BE RECRUITED FOR BOOTCAMP! According to the "Ready, Willing, and Unable to Serve" report, put out by the Mission: Readiness group, "About 75 percent of the country's 17- to 24-year-olds are ineligible for military service, largely because they are poorly educated, overweight and have physical ailments that make them unfit for the armed forces, according to a report issued Thursday.

Other factors, such as drug use, criminal records and mental problems, contribute to what military leaders say is a major problem that threatens the country's ability to defend itself " Yeah...remember when flat feet was the issue? Uh, OK....I'm moving to my own island.

Seriously, though. Our country has made so many "medical advancements", and we have expert committees on everything from toothpaste to psychiatric drugs, and yet, we are placed 37th in the world (behind the Dominican Republic!) for the prevention and treatment of disease, according to the very latest stats from the World Health Organization. We have the FDA, the AMA, the OMGNHPAQ (Oh My Gosh Natural Health Practitioners Are Quacks) committee, the OMGMAM (Oh My Gosh Midwives Are Murderers) committee, the SYKFOEDWDLW (Stuff Your Kid Full Of Every Drug We Designed Last Week) committee...but, I ask you...how are we doing? Are we healthier? Are we happier? Has all of our information made life better for anyone? Seriously...I'm in tears right now. I don't even have the energy to give you all the sourced stats...just watch your news, just read any newspaper, just go to any school and watch the children who are outside of it...just hear yourself screaming inside for reasons you can't even pinpoint.

I'm not happy. I'm not healthy. I feel like crap ALL the time. I have NO energy...EVER. I don't remember the last time I woke up feeling rested. I'm scared ALL the time...and I don't know why. I have so many wonderful things, and the truth is...half of them are constant sources of frustration for me. What's the deal? The deal is, I have a self-discipline problem that is exacerbated by the constant pull of the strings on my back...the puppeteers being those who decide who lives and who dies...those who decide what will be readily available in my robotic waiter that comes up out of the side of my fancy hover-seat, once they've finally killed all life on earth, and therefore have us right where they want us...sick, disjointed, and floating like space junk in a craft that is ultimately run by a computer! Every fiber in me rails against this...because I have a little boy, who grows like bamboo, and I want him to know a mama who has joy, and I want him to know how to chop wood, and how to cook a meal from scratch, and heck...cook a meal from scratch that he grew from scratch. And, (little peek into my conspiracy theorist mind, here) if and when the crap hits the fan...I want him to know how to survive. I want him to have resources beyond button pushing, and I want him to be thankful that his parents taught him how to live off of GOD's land...from HIS bounty. Heck, he could be the first president of the United Nuked States of America.

So, if you want to know why....that's why.

Note: sorry, my Georgia ran out of ink, so I had to switch to Verdana?

Re-Post :: Self Doubt

2010-11-02T05:00:00.000-07:00

*originally posted on January 31, 2010

I had great things planned for this, the day that was to mark the beginning of my illustrious career as a semi-pro blogger. Everything was laid out in type A, list maker fashion. I had topics for each and every day of the week, and was even going to write this morning's article last night, so that all I had to do this morning was wake up, brush my teeth, push the button on my coffee maker, and VOILA!...an article about the importance of sleep that was to change the life of some reader, like I was some messiah of the web. Enter a NASTY wave of self doubt, and an hours long case of writer's block. You know the drill..."this is dumb", "look at you...you have no business writing a blog about making your family whole...you're in mix-matched pajamas with hairy legs, dry feet, and you don't follow through on anything.", "you're definitely going to fail at this", "this is completely irrelevant...you have no idea what you're doing." Yada, yada, yada. I had a good cry, I called all the usual suspects for reassurance...husband, sister, mom. I even dragged myself to the gym, to see if a good cardio session would help to blow the cobwebs out. It helped for a little bit, but the waves of doubt kept sweeping over me. I was either having a serious case of spiritual attack, because what I want to do really is going to be worth something to people, or I was just realizing I'm not cut out to do this.
Oprah often says "doubt means don't." I think I may have to call BS on that one. (Sorry, Oprah) Truth is, that I've been told countless times that I need to write for people, that I have a gift, and that I'm robbing God by not using it. As I pondered this, it hit me that this is a chronic issue with me. I have all these things to offer, but for some reason, something keeps me from putting myself out there. So, it occurred to me that this doubt may not mean "don't" at all, but rather push through and DO IT!! Not to sound vain, but I've been given lots of gifts. What makes it sad, is that they are wasted. I believe that someone down there is pretty certain that if I were to move forward with confidence, and be free of the distraction and paralysis of self-doubt, then I might just be a force to be reckoned with for my family, my community, and my world. I don't think that we can be MADE to do things. I do, however, believe that we can be KEPT FROM doing things. Like an emotional and mental veil that's thrown up in front of us to keep us from realizing our true power. So, this is me...pressing onward...in spite of my doubts. So again, sorry, Oprah.
As a woman, a wife, a mom, and a writer, there is so much opportunity for self-doubt to rear it's ugly head...weight (I'll never actually get it done, why try?), financial freedom (there's always going to be something come up, why try?), marital strife (It's never going to change, why try?), blogging (It's completely irrelevant, why try?). Self doubt has the potential to single-handedly derail us from the path to wholeness...in all areas. So, my commitment to you is this: this week, I will write every day, no matter what I feel. My articles may not be life-changing or even poignant or funny...they may be irrelevant. But, and excuse my french...I'll be damned if I will allow self-doubt to make ME irrelevant ANY LONGER! Pick something that is holding you back, and do this WITH ME. I believe we need partners in this project! I believe we need people who know how we feel, who relate to us, who agree with us.
My life lesson today? God allowed me to experience what I did today, because He needed me to write THIS article...not the one I was planning. I'll get to the posts about sleep, exercise, eating well, etc. I just think that He needed me to go deeper...think bigger than my limited plans on the topics I wanted to address...to let this be His blog, and not mine. He's good at that...not letting me fall flat on my face BECAUSE of me, but taking me to higher ground IN SPITE of me.

Changes...

2010-11-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

...but, good ones!!! You wanna know the biggest one? Really?;)

Well, we FINALLY FOUND A HOUSE!!!!

I have been absolutely slammed with stuff going on in the past week or so, and it's clearly not going to be slowing down this week, either! No worries...you won't hear me complaining about this one!

I have decided to repost some of my favorite blogs from the past 100+ that I have posted. Albeit, I don't think that a greatest hits series does a measly 100 posts warrant...but, I need to post this week, and I have a whole bunch of people who haven't been reading since the beginning. So...I'm scheduling some old turned new posts. Hope you enjoy!

Next week...I'll be blogging from my new house:) Pictures to follow!

Soul Tugging

2010-10-26T16:02:00.001-07:00

There is something moving about in my soul. It's not something I can identify. It's like a something fighting under a blanket...I know it's there, and it's awake...but, I can't see it.

I feel like I need to unplug. I need room to breathe. I need poetry...not information. I need expression, not conversation. I need to poke an air hole in this box I'm in, right now.

There's this part of me that doesn't get out much any more...I usually call her my inner beatnik.

Whatever it is...she needs out,

in a Thoreau-esque,
get quiet,
fall to my knees,
existentialist,

bathe in tears,

come home to the music,
scream at trains,

get lost in guitar strings,

get a tattoo,
dance in the moonlight,

pray until sweating,

worship with abandon,

get stuck in the rain,

breathe in the beauty, drink the morning,

dissolve. into. being.,

let it all come down on me............

kind of way.

I'll be back. Don't worry.

Giveaway Winner!!

2010-10-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well, since I only had three entries, I decided to forgo the random.org thing, and just put all the names in a hat. I folded them all up very tightly, and put them in my hat....fished around for a few seconds, and then pulled out......

SUSAN REASOR!!!

Susan went to high school with all involved, so this is a fun and personal win;) (Albeit not a long stretch...tehee!)

Congratulations on your free copy of KEEP DREAMING, Susan...I know your kids will love it! Jaxen is already asking me to read him the dream book. (and, of course, his favorite picture is the one with the car on the earth:)

I'll send you a message, and get it sent out to you, asap!

Thanks for entering, and I hope to do another one very soon!

KEEP DREAMING!

Like finding a road sign in the middle of nowhere...

2010-10-22T18:29:00.001-07:00

I just found this post in my email, from a site that I frequent. I have to tell you...it feels like someone just found me, and I didn't even know I was lost.

I keep asking myself..."How did we get here, again?" "How are we back here, in Concrete Consumerville, and worse off than when we left?

Since we got home from the trip, we have been proverbially bumping up against everything we ever wanted to get away from, like we're living with a bad roommate in an efficiency apartment. (OK...I have a flair for the analogy.) But seriously!!

I didn't even really understand that I was going through anything...much less what I was going through.

And then....THIS.

This is where I am.

Where are you?

KEEP DREAMING: More than a Review (with a bonus GIVEAWAY!)

2010-10-19T05:00:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I found out that a couple of guys I know had written a children's book. So, of course...I shamelessly asked if I could review it!

We went to high school together, and today, we're all parents...inspired to give our children more than this world will readily offer...driven to give them the gift of understanding their full potential...walking through this world with the weight of how to guide them to that understanding. So, we search, and we express our journeys...each in different ways.

It was really important to me that I do this review, not as someone who knows the creators, but as a mother, who is passionate about her kid. So, I read, and now review it, through that lens...out of that heart.

I have the great honor of introducing you all to Keep Dreaming, a collaborative effort, written by Jake Brittain and illustrated by Scott Dykema, centered around encouraging kids to dream...and dream BIG. It is a beautifully crafted poem, that pays homage to the dreamers that have made our world what it is, today. It's a delicious reminder, even to adults, that making dreams a reality is a tangible endeavor. The message goes even deeper with the CD included, that features the words set to different music, all written by Jake.

That message is brought to life by Scott's unique and visionary art. I'm not overstating when I say that! I was immediately transported by his use of deep colors and dreamy scenes. It was like going on a journey. Add to that, Scott's wife, Anna designed the layout of the book! (Talented family, no?)

This book is so RICH...the message, the colors, the pictures, and the motivation.

Let me tell you why it moved me to tears:
First of all, my son turned 4 on Sunday. He has reached that age, where he dreams like crazy. He's constantly regaling me with wild tales of how there was a monster on the roof, and how he turned on the jets in his shoes to fly up and punch him in the eye...and how he wasn't scared at all! My heart jumps for these stories...because, I know the imagination behind them is world-changing! I know that, if he lives his life with the kind of drive that moves him around right now...he will be a force to be reckoned with. It's my job to foster and cultivate that spirit in him...and paramount to that is...protecting and encouraging his dreams! What better gift could I give him?

Secondly, I am all too aware of the fact that there are countless children out there who do not have the opportunity to hold on to their dreams...much less receive encouragement to bring those dreams into the world. I am heart-sick for the children whose life circumstances squelch their dreams all too early. So, when I read Keep Dreaming, I also read it from the heart of an adoptive mother. My heart aches for children who don't have the same chances, and so I prayed the message would reach as many kids as possible.

Well, prayer answered! I found out that this book is to be marketed under the One for One model...you know...like TOMS Shoes?
(*Scott, Jake, and I went to jr. high and high school with Blake Mycoskie, the founder and chief shoe giver of TOMS.)
Keep Dreaming sells for $15, and for every book that they sell, a book will be given to a child in need! Not only did they bring the world a gift...they're making sure it gets to the kids that need it most!

So, now I want to offer you...A GIVEAWAY! I bought a copy of the book, solely for the purpose of giving it away to one of my readers. However, I wanted the book that was given away to have contributed to the One for One thing, so you could know it's fulfilling it's purpose. This will be a great gift for any parent or child!

There are several ways you can enter for this giveaway!

go to www.newdreamstudio.com, look around and then come leave a comment back here, on whole family project, telling me what you think:)
leave a comment, on this blog, telling me your biggest dream for your child
follow the whole family project blog
follow whole family project on twitter
"like" whole family project on Facebook

Leave a separate comment for each entry, and then on Saturday, October 23, 2010, I will do a drawing on random.org for the winner! Good luck!

Lighthouses: My 100th POST!

2010-10-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

Today I celebrate 100 posts! Blogging is actually one of my "lighthouses", because it allows me an outlet for creativity, it keeps me connected to like-minded people, inspiring people, and passionate people, aaaaand...it keeps my mind working.

I love having a way to reflect on what I'm passionate about. If you are writing for other people's information...it requires you to articulate your thoughts and feelings on things. I have a way to tell people about what I know...a way make my voice heard about Real Food, swimming against the current, and keeping families whole, in this world that seeks to rip them apart. While sometimes creating an "information overload" situation, blogging has been one of the best things to happen to me...because, while it celebrates my role as wife and mother...it more accentuates my role as a woman who is passionate about something, who is taking the time to educate herself, who is muscling her way out of the hum-drum and trying to make a difference.

Blogging has lit my way to shore...given me direction and safe haven when I feel like quitting. It was my connection to home for 9 weeks on the road, and now it's my memory book for the adventure that we had. It is a constant source of inspiration as we embark on this life...and I love the gifts it's given me. I'm going to leave you with a poem that had me crying on my keyboard a couple of days ago. I found it on another blog...so, inspiration in action. Have you found YOUR inspiration, yet?

The Summer Day
by Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Whole Marriage: It's Not About Hope

2010-10-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

*I wrote about a marriage conference that Brandon and I attended a few weeks ago. At the end of the conference, our pastor, David Daniels told a story. That story stuck with me, because it illustrates the greatest truth there is, when it comes to having a whole marriage. This is the story...

A man went to pick up a friend from the airport. (This was back in the day, when you could go through to the gate, to receive your loved ones from the tunnel). As he sat waiting, he watched a man come out of the tunnel. With tears in his eyes, he approached a woman and 3 children. He walked straight to the first child, picked them up, and told them how much he loved and had missed them. He closed his eyes and gave a sigh as he gave them each a long, engulfing hug.

When he got to the woman, he looked at her, in her eyes, and said "I saved the best for last". He kissed her, and swept her up in a long embrace, telling her over and over how happy he was to be back home with her.

The onlooker was very moved, and surprised himself by saying..."Wow! You must have been gone a long time!" The family turned around, and the returning father smiled at him and said..."Yes. 3 days is such a long time to be away from those I love the most!" The man stared in wonderment and said, "Three days? I thought it would have been longer than that!.....I hope I have a marriage and a family like that, someday". The father, with his arms around his family, looked intently into the man's eyes and said...

"Don't hope, friend. Decide."

Sustainable Beauty: Homemade Deodorant

2010-10-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

*Let me begin, by addressing the issue of antiperspirant. Think for a moment, if you will, about the term antiperspirant. Literally...it is to stop. sweat. That's all fine and well, if you think of things in terms of our over-marketed society. However, if you think of the implications of how our bodies are created to operate...that's a very dangerous thing. Sweating is our most valuable detoxification tool, and to block that process is to keep those toxins swimming around in your body. If you are a woman (or, increasingly, just a human being), then not allowing the natural detoxification process to occur, especially in the underarm region, then you are keeping those toxins in and around your breast tissue. Bad. idea.

So...now that we have that taken care of...

...about 5 or 6 years ago, I stopped using antiperspirant, for the specific reasons I just addressed. However, I TOTALLY get the whole B.O. issue. Don't get me wrong...I may be a hippie at heart, but I certainly don't want to smell like one. Soooo...I began using deodorants that I found at Whole Foods and other stores like that, and they worked fine for years. I always made sure that I was purchasing "aluminum-free" deodorants, that didn't contain parabens and other harmful ingredients.

There were a couple of problems, though. First and foremost...those deodorants aren't cheap! I mean, they are certainly worth paying for, if your only other option is an antiperspirant...but, if you're on a family budget, it can be painful to pass that thing over the scanner.

Second problem...one day toward the end of our trip...
my deodorant stopped working!

...dun, dun, duuuuun...

I kid you not! This was no ordinary problem...ladies and gentlemen...I STANK. I literally couldn't stand myself on some days.

I was fairly annoyed, because I really liked what I'd been using, and I was NOT going to go back to that stuff that begins with an S and ends in a CRET...because, for pete's sake...I don't need to give my body any more reason than it already has. Little did I know...it would be the best thing that has ever happened to my armpits:)

Enter: homemade deodorant!!!

What you need:
1/3 cup cornstarch or arrowroot powder
1/3 cup baking soda
5-6 tablespoons coconut oil
few drops of lavender or tea tree oil (optional)
container of your choice (you can even re-use an empty deodorant stick)

First, measure your baking soda and cornstarch/arrowroot powder into your bowl.
Add the coconut oil one tablespoon at a time, until your mixture is the desired consistency.
I placed a few drops of a lavender/tea tree oil in the mixture.
(It should be very similar to store-bought)
Place in your old stick dispenser, or put into a small jar.

Voila!! Deodorant:)

I use a round cosmetics sponge for application. However, it still gets on my fingers somewhat, so you could easily skip that step and save yourself some time:)

The Consumer Report:
I've been using this deodorant for about a month, now. There is absolutely no smell...nada, zip, zilch, nyet...we're talking completely neutralized odor zone under those arms! I absolutely love everything about it...it's easy, it's cheap, it's quick, I know EXACTLY what's in it, it absolutely works, and I used the lavender/tea tree oil, and it smells wonderful!

Bonus: My underarms are softer, because of the coconut oil:)

Lighthouses: Joie de Vivre

2010-10-11T20:39:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, I watched this special with Giada de Laurentiis in Capri. I may have never mentioned this, but Giada de Laurentiis is...well...I idolize her. I would like to downplay that little factoid, but alas...that's the truth. There isn't a show she does that I don't watch religiously, and I not only love her cooking...but, her heritage has me in ethno-envy like no one's business. Ok...so, now that I'm verging on creepy...let me get back to my original point...ahem.

So, we're watching this show on Saturday, where Giada roams around the Isle of Capri, showing off all the most wonderful parts, and taking us to restaurants, shops where Jackie O used to shop, etc. She arrived on the island, and immediately went to a place that roughly translated into "people rejoice". I immediately started crying. I. want. that. Are you kidding me?...a place called "people rejoice?!" I'm jealous.

I find it very difficult to be just happy, here. Going back to school has brought back a cynicism that I wasn't fully prepared for. People that are in the school I go to are bankrupt. Forget joy...decency is a delicacy. Joy is something that doesn't even register in that atmosphere. I know that, for now, this is where I'm supposed to be. Believe me...I've tried to talk my way out of on more than a bunch of occasions. However, my heart longs and aches for something else. I don't even know what it is...except for I know it's what I saw in that show. Can you imagine, in our culture, to have an entire aspect of our defining traits to be "joyful people?"

You want to know the truth...I'm kinda mad that I'm not Italian or Greek. I really feel that I should have been. I think it's the rich enjoyment of life. For heaven's sake...they have dinner for hours. They talk, laugh...heck, there's even a patio that's famous, because people sit there quietly, and people watch...as in don't do anything, or look at their phones, or anything like that...they sit around and soak in the atmosphere, and reflect on how interesting and beautiful people are. Can you imagine?

It seemed pretty silly to be crying over that show...but, it speaks to something deeper. I want that! The joie de vivre...the rich culture of enjoyment...the marinated feeling of gratefulness...I want that. I feel that...but, I want to share it with other people. I want it to be celebrated in my culture.

Do you think I need to defect?

{my tour guide through my fantasy food world}

Sustainable Beauty: My New Love

2010-10-09T05:00:00.000-07:00

Well, since it's Saturday, why don't you have breakfast, drink your morning cup of coffee, and then take the grounds you just used to brew that coffee...

...and make a face scrub!!!

I have to tell you...I giggled with delight when I read about this on Crunchy Betty. This chick rocks my world:)

In all seriousness, I am at extremely high risks for breast cancer. If there is a risk factor, I have it to an extreme degree. Regardless, I want to end the industrial wasting away of my body. So, to that end, I am doing everything I can to rid my life of anything I can't make myself. This is actually a tough one for me...because I'm a cosmetics junkie. It's weird, because I don't wear makeup every day, and I don't put much effort into getting ready...but, I could wander around Ulta for days. It's getting easier to envision, but I hold onto the hope that I'll most likely never give up my Bare Minerals, i.e. have a reason to go to Ulta, occasionally:)

So, coffee on your face. What a concept. I'm pretty much tired all the time, so this was extra intriguing to me. The wet grounds, when mixed with a tablespoon of honey, and a teaspoon of cocoa powder...and, you have an amazing facial scrub! I applied it to my face, and between the smell and the exfoliation properties of the coffee, and the moisturizing affects of the honey...even though I looked like this, for a few minutes...

...my face felt amazing afterward. A bonus?...I used the leftovers in the shower, as a "perk you up" body scrub!

I'll let you in on a little secret...I loved it so much that I have done it twice since. One more thing...it didn't cost me a thing!

Whole Marriage: Afternoon Getaway

2010-10-08T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm having a wonderful afternoon:) My husband and I were fortunate enough to have the opportunity to take a study date at the bookstore, today. We have such a blast with our son, and we're frankly a little gooey about being with him. However, just having a ton of homework to do, and needing to get out and get it done before the weekend, provided a momentary reminder of how important it is to spend time with each other...one on one.

Even though we're just giving each other eyes over our prospective laptop screens at Borders, it's nice to be able to reflect without interruption from a rambunctious little goof ball that:

Boy Oh Boy... Am I in love with his dad!:)

{disclaimer: I realize that we need to get a new picture of us, since this one is 8 years old...but, we're not quite this cute, anymore:) Oh well...we're happy as all get out!

****By the way! I have something extremely exciting coming up on the blog next Tuesday!! You'll want to stay tuned:)

Real Food Wednesday: Roll Up Your Sleeves, Kids

2010-10-07T14:04:00.001-07:00

Well, I have decided to stop apologizing for my inconsistency, here. I feel the pull to be in this space, second only to that of laying in bed snuggling with my boys, so trust me when I say...it's nothing personal. I realize that my anxiety over not getting here every day, is just a frustration that comes from not getting to do what I want to do, but having to spend time doing things I "have to do", instead...like school and all the work that comes with that. So here it is...Thursday. Oh well. Just know I miss you more than you miss me.

So, I'm doing Real Food Wednesday, because, well....I want to. We had the most fun this past weekend, while my aunt and her two girls were in town. We spent the weekend laughing a bunch, making good food, and getting the kids involved. The best part was...one of the kids favorite things about the weekend was getting to roll up their sleeves and contribute to the preparation for our real food dinner on Saturday night. We had a wonderful dinner of grilled chicken, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and sauteed spinach.

It was very yummy...but, the most delicious part was the sounds of the children having the most fun shucking corn.

I think I could listen to that sound all day long:) They just sat on the back porch, exclaiming over and over "I did it! Look at mine!!"

{jaxen felt very strong and accomplished:)}

To top it off, after we cooked it, they were so excited to be eating the corn they had worked so hard to prepare for us!

{jaxen and his cousins hard at work}

What a fun weekend we had! We had good food, good games, good laughs...only drawback was...it made me ache all the more to be on a piece of land, with a big huge table outside under a huge tree, with beautiful lanterns hung from the branches, and tiki torches lining the al fresco dining area, where we will feast on real food and real life with people we love...all the time!

Waiting...it's the thing I'm the least good at.

Lighthouse: A Quick One

2010-09-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to keep lots of commitments right now...the most important of them being to get to bed at a decent time. So, to that end...this is going to be a quick one.

I did pretty well at getting up early last week, but this week, I'm actually going to DO something with that time, instead of sitting on the couch, willing myself not to go back to bed.

I'm starting a whole body cleanse tomorrow (Garden of Life), because I feel like my feet are made of lead, and that's generally a good indication that I need to do a liver detox. In a couple of days, I'm going to feel like crap...but, the day after that...I'll be ROCKIN'! If you've never done one, I highly recommend it...it's easy, necessary, and you'll feel amazing.

I had a great workout this morning, and a few of them last week! In trying to be more faithful to the things I need to do for myself...that one's a doozie! Good new is...my knees are holding up remarkably well...no pain, no weakness! Thank GOD! The runs are every other day, right now, and Heather and I have scheduled a 5k for October 24 in Houston. Wish me luck!

Well, that's just a few updates. I have more profound posts up my sleeve, but for today, since I'm short on time, I need to go to bed, and I'm putting several things into practice before I write about them...I decided it would be fun to just post about small victories, for once.

Sometimes, you just have to pat yourself on the back a little:)

Soaking in the Moment

2010-09-25T12:55:00.001-07:00

Rain was falling outside, the room was very quiet.

An acoustic guitar played softly in the background, while I melted into my husband's side...tears streaming down my face.

What a beautiful moment we had at the end of the marriage conference this afternoon. It was just a quiet moment to marinate in each other, and feel roots winding ever deeper into our life together.

As I listened to the soft rain and Brandon's heartbeat, I was overwhelmed by the gratitude...that I am in a marriage that is rich, that I am in love with the man that I partnered with for this lifetime...

...that God cares enough about me to give me this space to reach my full potential, to be protected and holy; a man willing to be the chisel to the sculpture that is me, and the security to let go and have fun with him, while we walk this world together.

Whole Marriage: Cultivation

2010-09-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

Marriage is like a garden. It needs to be cultivated...tended, protected, watered, and fed.

It's not enough to just get married. That marriage needs to be grown.

So often, people's marriages fall apart, and it's not hard to understand why. More effort is putting into what to wear in the morning, or cleaning out the car, than is put into the care of relationship...especially a marriage relationship. I've seen this over and over...people feeling like their marriages are over, because they don't understand this very simple fact. It cannot be overstated that continuing to live in the same set of behaviors, the same mentalities, is in no way "trying". Trying implies action. Do something!

Brandon and I have a pretty solid marriage...but, that's as a result of some regular maintenance. We continue those efforts tonight...we're going to a marriage conference at our church called "loveFORlife." We like to feed our relationship in this way...we go to about 2 of these types of conferences a year. It's such a refreshing experience...and one that is about re-centering your relationship...nothing else. Division of labor, parenting, financial partnership, careers...these things mean nothing if your marriage is falling apart...and synergystically, all those things tend to flourish if your relationship is solid. It's so unbelievably important to give your relationship some undivided attention...

Resources we use:
Marriage Today - we've been to 3 of these conferences, and they are worth every single minute!
Pantego Bible Church - this is our church, and the marriage conference is tonight and tomorrow morning:) I can't wait!
Power of a Praying Wife/Husband by Stormie O'Martian
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
Marriage Missions

...so, I'll be spending my weekend tending my marriage.

What will you be doing?

Some Food for Thought

2010-09-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

I keep getting asked the question "Why whole food?" That question is so loaded...and the answer is even heavier. So, I've decided that I'm going to begin with presenting everyone with the same thing that got me interested...information from outside sources...people who have been doing this a long time, and are more adept at bringing the information down to a concise and efficient form. I will be exploring my answer further...but, until then, I will be posting as much educational material as I can, so that all of you can have access to what I'm seeing.

One Last Thing!...

I am now a full-fledged member of Slow Food USA. This is the best organization in the world for the Real Food Effort...heck! They STARTED it!

Stepping to the Edge of the Nest

2010-09-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, we realized that our little boy was in desperate need of some group interaction. Part of me just wants to keep him with me, every day, for the rest of my life. The other part...the part that began training him to leave me, from the very first day I got him...knows full well that this outgoing, adventurous, precocious little spirit needs community. He needs to begin grasping what it is to be under someone else's instruction, to grow socially, to have interaction, to cultivate friendships...to lift his wings, and prepare for flight. I know it's just the first step, but it's still profound. He's been fighting for independence since he was an infant. He is tenacious about his own self-sufficiency, and about his own abilities. So, in that spirit, we signed him up for soccer...and, Mother's Day Out a couple of days a week. All of this happened at once, so our week was full of firsts...

{first soccer practice}

{first team warm up}

{first soccer game}

{first day of "school"}

I felt a little silly shedding tears over Mother's Day Out, but it was more than that. It was just the first in a long line of experiences that draw me closer to the day when I'll be waving goodbye to him, as he goes off to college, gets married, becomes a father...is a man. 14 years isn't very long...it's already been almost 4. I have to savor every moment.

Know the feeling?

Lighthouses?...and a Challenge!

2010-09-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

Ugh! Well, as you can easily see, I am finding it very difficult to get this blog done during the week. I'm trying...I really am. It's hard to write about working toward a whole life, when your life seems to be getting only further away from whole! It's OK...we'll get there. Even when we do, it's always going to be a practice in maintaining it. Family is fine...however, the no house issue is exploding like a volcano. I'm praying that the problem will be resolved this week...please pray with me, if you do!? I need a place to put away my stuff!

Every time I do one of these Monday posts, I write the title "Me Mondays", and I cringe a little. I really don't like that title. As I was weighing the issue of what I'm trying to accomplish with these posts, dedicated to our mother-hearts, and how to better be the barometer for our family's environments, I wanted to find a different name for them. For me, needing to keep my own emotions and mental state on my radar, is personified in my mind by fog...needing to see through it, break through it, and stay connected to land. So often, these days, I feel lost at sea...tossed this way and that, and not having a place to land...not having a harbor to pull into. So, in that spirit, I think of these Monday posts as reminders to keep my eyes on the horizon...where there might be a lighthouse to guide my way. So, the new Monday post moniker is going to be Lighthouses. Anyone care to weigh in?

One of the major complaints about motherhood, and all-round womanhood, is that we don't have time to take care of ourselves. I don't know a single woman who faithfully attends to her own spirit, body, and mind, before she attends to that of her family, or others in her life. The best way to do that, is to do it first thing in the morning...to begin your day by centering yourself around the practices that help you achieve optimal wellness...spiritually, mentally, and physically. Since I am clearly not adept at this behavior, I am taking a challenge this week, as outlined by a fellow mom blogger...though she is evermore helpful, relevant, and experienced! It's something I feel really strongly about, in our journey to wholeness, so I want all of you to do it with me, if you have issues in this area, as well. I dare say, most of us deal with it! So, do yourself a favor, and go read all the details, HERE. Inspired to Action is one of my favorite blogs! I know you'll love reading her practical advice on how to live life on purpose!

This week, I'll be finding a house, moving another step closer to being a whole mom, whole wife, whole sister, whole friend, whole me. I invite you all to practice being more deliberate with me. So...go to bed at a decent hour tonight, and join me this week, as we maximize our mornings! I want to hear how it goes:)

God Bless all of you! Thanks for continuing to read my stuff...it means a lot to me:)

Me Mondays: Is Tom Cruise My Brother?

2010-09-13T22:52:00.000-07:00

I think maybe I'll call these sessions the Me Mondays: After Dark posts. I mean...technically it's Tuesday morning, but I haven't been to sleep, yet, so in my mind, it's still Monday. I think it's high time I did a post about going to bed at a decent hour...since clearly, these days, I do not.

That actually brings me to my topic, today.

Have you ever had one of those days, when you catch a glimpse of yourself, in the mirror, and you ask the reflection..."where have you been?" I am having one of those long stretches where I get out of the shower, run a brush through my wet hair, put moisturizer on my face, and don't look at myself again, until the next morning. Even then, it's only to check that I'm actually brushing my teeth, and not shoving a toothbrush in my ear, and then it's disheveled ponytail, dusting of baking soda under the arms, and clothing...that I may or may not wear once a week. I don't really have an excuse for this, either. I wish I could tell you that I have mountains of children to get dressed every day...but, the truth is, lately...I'm doing good to get my ONE kid dressed. I'm pretty sure there was a day last week that he never got out of his pajamas. School isn't really kicking my hiney, yet...although, I do anticipate it getting more difficult as the semester progresses. Honestly, I think it's the lack of a house thing.

I am a creature of habit. Scratch that...I'm a creature of system. I have an order and a "way" to almost everything. I am hard pressed to believe that if done in any other way than the way I do things...they just won't be done as well. My husband will tell you, I have thought through every single detail...and there is a method to all of my madness...which actually means that everyone else's haphazard way of living is the actual madness...I'm just, well... right. *Getting the picture? I know...it's a personality thing. However...here's the kicker: When drawn out of my system...I'm lost. I like to think of it as my "Rain Man-ism". Sounds funny...but, I seriously don't know what to do sometimes...so, I just don't do anything. Before I know it...I haven't gone to bed at a purposeful time...haven't planned meals, haven't been intentional with training my son, spending time with my husband, spending quality time in prayer...in short, I a oily, frumpy mess running around begging God to just get me through this ONE DAY! And, there's not really anything going on, that's any big deal! Sheesh! I get tired of myself, sometimes.

Our way of life has been very strange for the past 5 1/2 months. However, I am realizing that I have just surrendered to the circumstances...instead of leaning on my Father to guide me out. It's a strange and ridiculous phenomenon when we get so lost inside our own lives that one of the first good habits to go is looking to the One who holds our futures in His hands, on a daily basis. That's like being so hungry that you forget to eat your daily bread. Brilliant.

Does anyone else get weary of having to learn the same lesson time and again? I'm starting to feel like my (almost) 4 year old...just not nearly as cute.

I'm so glad He loves me!

Spotlight on Adoption: Guest Post

2010-09-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

I am breaking my own rules, again, and I have decided to go ahead and post about adoption this week...even though it's the first Tuesday, instead of the last.

Adoption is a scary and unsure thing. It is something that not everyone can relate to. For me, it was a time in my life, where, if I asked someone for some reassurance, I could tell that they couldn't give me any that was genuine...because they had never been there...they actually didn't KNOW if everything was going to be OK. I treasure the time, now...because, it taught me my first and greatest lesson in trusting God. I had to learn that one for real! However, at the time, it was terrifying, and there were few I could turn to. There was one person, however, who knew exactly how I felt... and she came to be a mentor and God-given comfort for me. Her son and daughter-in-law are 2 of our most treasured friends in this life...more like family, really. A while back, I asked her to share her feelings and thoughts on our particular journey to motherhood, to be published on this blog. Her name is Kay...and at long last...these are her thoughts:

When Aleisha asked me to share something on adoption and gave me complete freedom, I really couldn’t decide where to start. As the adoptive mother of two, who are both now adults, I have had plenty of thoughts on adoption over the years.

First of all, to me adoption is a miracle of the most special kind. No, there is no physical labor. But is there labor?-- yes there is. When you are having a baby the natural way, you have a pretty good idea you’ll be a mother in approximately nine months. When you are having a baby by adoption, you may know nine months ahead of time, or you may wait for several years. Then when you finally get “the call”, you are in what I call emotional labor, which believe me can be pretty intense, and just a step away from insanity at times.

And the moment each of my children were placed in my arms, I can honestly say they were mine. Bonding doesn’t happen instantly with everyone, there are no rules about it.

I just know when I have been asked by well-meaning friends and sometimes by well-meaning strangers, “ Are you going to let them meet their real mother?” I want to remind them of the children’s story about the Velveteen Rabbit and what it means to be real. For the rabbit, it meant that his fur got rubbed off and he looked pretty ratty looking. His eyes might have been rubbed off (I don’t remember all the story), and he got awfully tattered. It’s kind of the same way with an adoptive mother. I got made real by getting thrown up on, spit up on, staying up 24 hours at a time to be the comforter to my sick child, etc. etc. –you get the idea. So I always tell whoever asks me, “ I am the real mother.” Being an adoptive mom is not being some kind of very special baby sitter, until the real mother comes back. Being an adoptive mother is being GIVEN the privilege of being a real mom. So what does that leave for the birth mother? For me, it meant an incredible sense of gratefulness and thankfulness to each of two young ladies who made what had to be an almost unbearably painful, yet exquisitely loving decision to give the gift of motherhood to someone like me. The story in the Bible ( King Solomon) of how the real mother was willing to give up her child so he could live tells it so much better than I can. I have had the opportunity to meet my son’s birth mother and to do what I longed to do for years--- say “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Those words seem so inadequate, but they were all I had. And as we hugged and cried, she honored me by saying those same words back to me—“Thank you for being my son’s mother.” I hope one day to get to meet my daughter’s birth mother and tell her thank you too. I always think of her on my daughter’s birthday and know she is wondering how the tiny little girl she gave birth to twenty-eight years ago is doing. And I long to tell her, “ She is doing great, she is an incredible person, and I am so, so blessed to be her mother. Thank you.” Maybe one day, I will get that chance.

The other question that well-meaning friends and sometimes well-meaning strangers would ask me was the most puzzling of all. When my children were small they would say( in whispered tones), “ Are you going to TELL them they are ADOPTED?” My answer always was, “ I never thought there was anything so terrible or dark about the truth. Yes, they will be told.” And they were. When they were each about two years old, I made each of them a little story book about how much Mommy and Daddy wanted a baby, how we prayed, and how God chose the very baby we were supposed to have through adoption.” Is that just a children’s story? Not to me, it’s not, it is God’s truth. Each one of my children was chosen for me as surely as if they had grown inside me.

Hope that my random thoughts have encouraged or blessed someone today.

Kay

Thank you, Kay...for everything...this beautiful post, your amazing heart...for raising an amazing man, so that he would marry an amazing woman; for being an ear and a comfort during our adoption; for making us one of those sweet books, so that we would also be able to share our experience with our son...and for being a vessel of God's love...what a wonderful legacy.

Me Monday: Prodigal

2010-09-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

Well...I have a ton of catching up to do.

First of all...Happy Labor Day!
Labor Day is always pretty cool for me, because it always comes around my birthday. Actually, every few years, my birthday is ON Labor Day. If you want to get technical...the actual day of my birth was ON Labor Day. Yeah...so, if someone saw my mom on Labor Day 1977, and said "Happy Labor Day, to you, madame!" She'd be like...."seriously! You have no idea. Labor? Yes, as a matter of fact! Happy?...I don't know...check with me in a few hours!"

This brings me to my next point. This year, my birthday was on the day BEFORE Labor Day. You won't find me complaining, though...I love having a birthday smack dab in the middle of a long weekend! Ah, the birthday. I've never been one who's too hung up on the getting older thing, or worried about another birthday. I like them...and, this year was no exception. I turned 33, yesterday, and I have to say...I feel just fine about it. There are, however, some irksome things happening...such as the insatiable gray hair issue that I adopted during my 33rd trip around the sun. Seriously...couldn't we have an Aging Counsel meeting, and ban the start of gray hairs until 37 or 38? I don't take kindly to facing the music about my vow to grow old gracefully, this early in the game. I think I may have to reconsider my position on hair color. Especially since the chick who cuts my son's hair told me I looked old and drab the other day...Yowza!! She's hilarious...and right...so, I suppose I have highlights on the horizon:) Oh well...NO BOTOX, though! Good grief...if I have a post in 5 years that states a new position on that...well, you have my full permission to come and give me a good slap upside the head! So...thirty-three...

It's when I started school, again. There are good things and bad things about that one. I realize that my fears about being old in school are really no big deal. However, I find it infinitely more difficult to stomach attitudes and ridiculous fashion trends. I just see everything from another perspective, now. I realize how much cooler it is to buck trends than it is to just swim in a sea of sameness...especially when that "sameness" is ghastly!
*Let it be said that "skinny jeans" should only be worn by "skinny" people. If you happen to be a size 18-20, and you are wearing jeans that are extremely tight around your ankles...the only fashion statement you are making is a clear cut understanding about the width of your rear-end. It might even be more flattering to paint all your measurements on a sandwich board and wear that around the school. Please. STOP!! YOU LOOK LIKE AN ICE CREAM CONE!!!

I beg your pardons.

Anyway - I have completely messed up my illustrious and regular running streak...but, have not given up. I realize that this is the point at which I've always stopped...when I have "too much" going on in my life. There is never going to be a point when I say..."yep. Looks like this is about when everything will magically start falling right in line with my schedule and my energy level...guess I'll start doing what I need to do to make myself healthy." Heather and I talked about the fact that this is the actual training...the actual lesson to be learned, here. We will be masters at time stewardship and follow through by the time this is all said and done...I just know it:)

Speaking of...now that I know what to expect from my school work load...I am hoping to be more regular with my posts. As I've stated before...this is what I actually WANT to do...so, I will do my very best to do it every day. However, if I don't...well, I forgive myself ahead of time:)

I hope you do, too!

Happy Labor Day....can't you feel the fall coming?

Just Shake it Off

2010-08-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

...the marriage blues, that is.

Try something totally out of the blue, and way out of character with your spouse, today. Try to break the monotony. Find a way to connect on a level that you may not have connected on in years. Ideas:

start a pillow fight
big kiss in the kitchen for no reason
splash fight at the sink
climb in the shower with them
have a staring contest
write them a note on the bathroom mirror
scavenger hunt

Something. Do Something. Even if you don't feel like it...even if you're hurt. Make something happen that doesn't normally happen. Stop thinking about the list of things to do. Stop wondering whether or not you should have planted the tree, and get to the business of growing roots...cultivate it. Water it. Take care of it. The tough stuff will always be there...work in the simplicity. Stop trying to figure everything out...just BE with them, today. Thank them for giving you children...or being by your side when you adopted. Say the words..."you're important to me, and I'm on your team." Leave it at that. Nothing else. Do whatever it takes to have a laughing moment with them. Without fun...marriage is just a list of things to do. The choice is YOURS. Don't agree that this will always be the way it is...change it.

Brandon, thank you that when I need to find myself, I never picture doing that without you. Thank you for encouraging and challenging me to do that, every day. Thank you for giving me the room and the support. Thank you for being by my side when we adopted, and while we raise our son. You're important to me...and, I'm on your side. I love you.

The Incredible Edible Egg?

2010-08-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

{photo credit: mother earth news}

OK...so, I'm sure, by now, you've all heard about the recall of 228 million eggs! Well, if you needed another reason to begin to buy locally, from people you meet in person, whose farm you can go and visit...you've got it. When you have a large scale salmonella outbreak like this, it's easy to speculate that a) they've known about it for a while, and are just now getting around to the recall, and b) they are finding more efficient ways of getting the salmonella into our livestock. In order for there to be salmonella in eggs...it's not an environmental issue in the egg factory...it is the CHICKEN! The chicken is, in fact, contaminated with salmonella, and then passing it out through the egg. Awesome. Does that make you feel any better about buying some pretty boneless, skinless chicken breasts from your nearest grocer? Never mind that they can't stand up under the weight of the greed...now, they are dying as a result of it, as well. We caught on to the cows...I guess they figured they should start on the chickens. Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if the government is actually subsidizing salmonella and E. Coli...like corn and soy are just code for "death and disease." But, what do I know? I'm no scientist...I'm no Big Food Industry bureaucrat...I haven't passed my opinions across the desk of anyone at the FDA. I suppose that means I don't know what I'm talking about....

If you'd like to form your own opinion...you should read here.

Update: As I stated above...they DID know. There were several cases back in June and July. Oh! and by the way...the count is now up to 380 million! I think I'll be heading to my nearest farm, today:)

Real Food Wednesday: A Heart Song

2010-08-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

Real Food Wednesday has taken a hit. It's very disappointing, really. In order to do these posts, successfully, I have to actually DO something during the week, that will allow me to write a post. It's hard to write a weekly post on real food, when I'm just throwing a sandwich together and brewing coffee every day. While I am actually spending my day moving us toward our goals, that doesn't mean I am spending much time on food. I hate that.

School starts on the 30th...about 13 days from now. All my classes are cooking related...save the online English Comp class I have to take. I'm sure I won't be hitting the kitchen right off the bat...but, I'm thrilled to be moving forward on it. I was trying to explain to someone the other day what my love of food...especially real food...is about. It's hard to explain. While I do love to eat...the thing that brings tears to my eyes isn't about eating. It's about people. It's about history. It's about a common thread. It's about an art. It's about culture. It's about communing with our Earth. It's about painting with God's brushes. It's about nourishing more than just bodies...it's about nourishing souls.

I love that God gave us the practical means to create beauty. He gave us all the nutrients, the vitamins, the minerals, the proteins, etc. But, just for our pleasure...He packaged it in the most vibrant colors, textures, flavors, smells...sounds, even. That's why I scoff every time someone says "food is just fuel." If that were true, why wouldn't we just have a pile of goo on our plate, like they eat on The Matrix? While I agree with the allegory of The Matrix, I take exception to the idea that to be enlightened to the tricks played on your life every day, means that one would live in the land of industrial gray and a pile of uninspiring gruel. It's so puzzling. Food is a multi-sensory experience...a concert of God's bounty.

I think that's why I see processed food as such an abomination. To feed your family and yourself solely on the pre-packaged notion of food that's readily available is like putting Ansel Adams to work at Olan Mills, Martin Scorsese in charge of pushing the slide button, putting Monet to applying stickers all over poster board...or Frank Lloyd Wright to setting up a tent. It is to short change the very essence of what makes us, and keeps us, human.

It's no doubt that there is a movement swelling, here. It's no doubt that I am determined to be a part of it. I feel a strong sense of duty to bring as many of you with me, as I can. However, more than anything, I can't wait to have a kitchen full of friends, a big harvest weekend celebration, a warm gathering to feast on the fruits of our labors. I can't wait to help a hurting loved one heal, and create a place where a connection to those who went before, is as palpable as the modern music playing on the iPod. I want to be in a proverbial montage of women standing over a pot of food, and adding flavor until their heart says..."they'll love that." I want to weave the backdrop for the moments when my grandchildren walk into cafe, somewhere in the world, on their travels, and are automatically transported to a moment...when they remember just how I looked when I helped them embrace a beautiful aspect of themselves, or realize something about life and understanding. I want to create the kind of reference that connects life today, to a point in the past...the kind of reference that helps bring about the realization of purpose...even years after the fact. I want the generations that come from me, to hear my voice speaking of their immense worth, as they sit over a bowl of soup, or pass by a beautiful vegetable garden. I want to create a place where people know they can go...and get fed...body and soul....I want to feed people.

Seeing Him

2010-08-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

I had a very profound experience with Jax, today. We were sitting on the couch, watching a program about how to prevent and survive different life-threatening scenarios. At that moment, there was a particular story about a man who ignited into flame, at a gas station, when he was filling up a gas can, and didn't follow the proper protocol to avoid static electricity. I don't shield my son from things that are ugly (as long as they aren't inappropriate), I just make sure to give him the truth about it, explaining to him how things can happen, and if I know how...how to avoid them. Well, during this segment, he was very quiet. I was telling Brandon about my very specific behaviors at the gas station, to avoid such situations, as most of the people who become fatalities of gas station static/vapor fires are women...because they reenter their cars more often during fueling.

{as women, we keep our credit cards in our purse, so we usually reenter the vehicle to put it back. DON'T DO THAT! Always just keep your card in your pocket, or if you aren't comfortable, make sure that you touch the metal part of your car, before heading back to the gas nozzle.}

A few minutes passed, and heard a little sniffle. I look down at Jaxen, sitting in the crook of my arm, and he says, in a teary voice, "Mom, I don't want you to do that." {chin quivering} I assured him that I am very safe when I pump gas, and that I always make sure and do the things I need to do, to make sure a fire doesn't happen. A couple of tears fell down his cheeks, as he says to me..."I want you AYIVE, mom!" (We're still working on the "L" sound:) He buried his face in my side, and I realized that there are some anxieties that he carries that he doesn't always share. In the past few months, he has experienced the passing of his grandpa, and his baby cousin, Evan. While he never knew either of them very intimately, he was still affected. It created questions in him.

He is at the age, that several details of his personality are beginning to emerge. When he is a little hurt...he'll make a little show of it, publicly. But, if he is really in pain, or really feeling badly, he hides from me. A couple of times, it's only been because I am like a hawk that I have even realized that he had been injured, because he just doesn't want to advertise it. I'll find him quietly suffering in another room, because for some reason, he doesn't want to say anything to me. I find it very strange, because we have never had a situation where he wasn't allowed to express anything...except for disrespect.

I'm taking all of these little instances to heart...because, I'm starting to realize that where he is very much an extrovert, there are specific things that he doesn't readily share...and, I will need to keep an eye out for his moments of reflection...always ready to read between his lines. I guess it shouldn't surprise me all that much...because, for a child that doesn't house his father's biology...he's a chip off the old block, sometimes. I certainly have never been covert with my emotions.

I am often taken aback by his beautiful depths. I am awed by his perceptions, by his understanding. I can't wait to hear the things he has to tell me. I can't wait to see the things he has to show me...often times about myself. What do we do, we parents, to be honored in the ways that we are with these excruciatingly amazing little people? Is anyone else as awed by their existence as I am? It blows my mind that this little person was just learning to roll over 3 1/2 years ago, and today, he's telling me, in his own words, of my value to him, and regaling me with tales of his conquering dinosaurs and showing me the royalty that lives deep in his spirit. I can't explain how grateful I am that I get to witness his life....

...it kind of makes me feel Ayive.

Me Mondays: Setting My Jaw

2010-08-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

Okay...I have a new strategy for getting my blog done. My hope is to be able to write a post for every day...because for the past week and a half, I have been very sad. I've been neglecting what has become a huge part of my life, and I'm just not willing to let it go. I'm very, very happy doing this...I've put an enormous amount of energy into getting it to the small level that it is, and I simply refuse to stop, just because I'm working full time right now. Anyway - hopefully, this new strategy will work, and I will be able to fit blogging into the grind...or rather, as a respite from the grind. I know there will be a day, when I can make money doing this...I just know it.

That brings me to an interesting point. I think I may have turned a corner. I have started and stopped, tried and failed at several different things in my life...all my life. I actually think I lack the thought that I can do anything I set my mind to...so, I never actually set my mind to anything challenging. Well, when I started running 3 weeks ago...I got invested very quickly. I also got injured very quickly. It's very upsetting....I was on such a roll...being very faithful to do it every time I was scheduled, making great headway in a short time, and loving how efficiently my cardiovascular system was dominating my breathing...instead of the other way around. But, now.... My. leg. HURTS!! I tried over and again this past week to get back into the swing of things...however, I wasn't able. The pain is traveling from the outside of my knee to the inside...from back to front. Today, I was walking around Target, and the pain shot down the front of my shin. Here's the thing, though...I'm STILL not willing to give this up! That's weird for me. Usually, I'm secretly lying in wait for a reason to quit something that is hard for me. But, this time, I'm REALLY trying to find a reason to get back to the run. I am doing the elipse machine, and I'm going to do water this week...but, I keep looking at the treadmill, and feeling like something is beating me. The new twist is...I have this...BRING. IT. ON. feeling. I will find a way to get this thing back in order, and still find a way to do the things that I want to do. I'll get this knee healed up, because I am not going to let anything stand in my way, this time. I'm ready to fight...

This is my Goliath...my Everest. I, in no way, feel like I've got this in the bag...but, I DO feel like if I don't face the giant now...it may be the last time I back down. That pisses me off. I'm NOT going down this easy. Quitting can just bite me...

...because this time....I'll just bite back.

Me Mondays: The Reinvention Strategy...Stage 2

2010-08-02T19:08:00.000-07:00

Well, BOO! I'm pretty upset at how things are playing out, right now...with my blogging taking a real hit, as a result of working full time. We need to get a place, we need to get started on the next stage of our life...so, I know what I'm doing is actually moving us forward. However, I have to tell you...it really feels like I've gone backward. You know that holding pattern feeling?...I am actually moving us closer to our goal...yet, I'm not spending the hours of my day on the things that the goal entails. Does that make any sense? I mean...I'm sewing...not cooking. I'm cutting out cheerleading uniforms, instead of writing my blog...I'm not doing what I feel passionately about, yet I have to know that it's a means to an end. So...all that to say: it sucks, right now...because, I want to do nothing but think about food, and promote it to others, and go to farmer's markets, and go look for land...but, yet...I sew. I love my mom...and, I'm really thankful for the convenience of being able to make a paycheck...I just don't enjoy the sewing. Ok! Enough about that. Really I just intended to tell you all why I hadn't been very faithful with my writing.

So...onward and upward.

I've been RUNNING!!! What?! Yeah...that's right...running! This big girl is now officially a runner...and, I have to say...it's not too shabby;) Part of the reason I didn't write much last week, was that I was exhausted. I could barely walk for most of the week...but, I'm bound and determined to get this done...so, I kept running. I didn't get to run on Saturday...but, my run this morning was AWESOME! One of the major issues for me and running, has been the inability to, you know...BREATHE! I can hold my own on the legs...and I can deal with the joints and so forth...but, I loathe and despise sucking wind for all I'm worth. All last week, I worked on the rhythmic breathing pattern, but I could barely keep it together. I was really just hyperventilating in time:) But, this morning was a whole different story! It may seem trivial to someone else, who is not carrying around an extra 130 pounds...but, I was able to do my entire running cycle, this morning, and NOT ONCE did my breathing get the better of me! I got really tight in my calves...but, I stayed on top of the breathing! I was even able to control the speed of the rhythm! Yeah...I know...but, it's the small victories strung together, day to day, that will have me crossing the finish line of the Austin Marathon in February...hand in hand with Heather!! So...I celebrate!

Now...this week I'm going to concentrate on the eating. I have to be careful...because, I have to make sure that I'm not under-fueling for the runs. So, this week, I'm going to work on doing the small meals very consistently...maybe with a larger breakfast right after my run. I experienced a couple of major crashes within an hour or two of running, last week...and, that was NOT fun...so, my goal is to find something that serves a dual purpose for my body...both keeping me running, but also helping me to drop pounds.

Anyway - I didn't weigh and measure again, this morning...but, I can tell you with almost certainty that I didn't lose anything, yet. My appetite was huge last week, and I had a lot of trouble sleeping...so, my focus wasn't so great...but, I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to allow my body to work into a more athletic mindset! It's amazing how quickly the body will begin to reverse itself, and get in step! I love the healing power!!

So...stats next week?

Happy Monday, All:)

Spotlight on Adoption: A Story

2010-07-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

When we were given a son, we wanted to make sure that we were as open as possible with him, about how he came to be ours. We didn't want there to be an "event" that separated what he thought, and what he "found out". It's really important to me, that the story of his adoption be just a part of the fabric of his life...not a definer. However, I'm under no delusion that he won't struggle with the concept at some point in his life. In order to best honor him, we have to honor his origins...even though we didn't have anything to do with them. I want him to have a full understanding of his intrinsic value...to never have to grapple with the issue of being "given up" by someone.
Our birth mother is a hero, in our home. Not only did she give him life...she added meaning to mine. Through her gift, I no longer have to abide in the pain of infertility. I think it's important that he understands the struggle and the love that went into doing what she did...giving what she gave...so that he knows, to his core, that he has immense worth. It's a tough thing to get across to a preschooler...so, I wrote this children's story. It's something that I believe was given to me...and I hope to have it illustrated, and possibly published one day. However, I want to share it with you all, so that if you can relate...you can use it.

The Heart of a Lioness
by Aleisha Utterback

p.1 Once, there was a lioness named Jahia. She lived on the African savannah, with her baby cub named Jahendi. She and Jahendi were all alone, without a pride family. She knew that the wet season was coming to the savannah, and that the hunters would be coming soon. She had already seen the scouts driving across the plains.

p.2 Every night she and Jahendi slept near the bushes, and all day they walked the plains. Since they had no pride family, they had to keep moving in order to stay safe from hunters. As they lay at night under the stars, Jahia would look at her cub and pray. She loved her cub very much, and she was worried about how she would protect him without a pride.

p.3 One night as she lay with Jahendi, she heard the roar of a motor…HUNTERS! She had seen the men before, and she knew they had also seen her. She knew she had to move quickly, so that she could keep Jahendi safe. She picked him up by the scruff of his neck, and quietly began to slink away.

p.4 All of a sudden, bright lights were right in her face! She began to run as fast as she could, all the while trying to guard Jahendi from the hunters. As the hunters were riding behind her, trying to catch up, she quickly found a thatch of bushes and ran into them for cover. The hunters drove on by, but she knew they would be back soon. She prayed for guidance from The Maker, and knew what she needed to do.

p.5 She couldn’t keep the cub safe from the hunters all alone. Early that morning, she and Jahendi set out. She kept a watchful eye, always worried that the hunters were going to be waiting around every corner.

p.6 They came to a thicket of trees and walked through them. As they reached the edge, she found that they were on a cliff, and she could see far and wide on the savannah. As she looked down onto the plains, she saw a pride of lions. She watched them for most of the day, feeling safe in the thicket.

p.7 She saw lion pairs and cubs, and they all looked very happy. Then, a pair caught her eye. Their names were Abrah and Bakaari. They were happy, too, but they did not have a lion cub. They watched the other lions playing with their cubs, and smiled, hoping to have one of their own someday.

p.8 Jahia watched the loving way they interacted with one another, and how much they loved the other cubs. She knew they were just the ones to take care of Jahendi. She was very sad, because she loved him very much, but she knew the only way to protect him was to give him a family.

p.9 As night fell, she looked at Jahendi, took a deep breath, and picked him up. She slowly went down the side of the cliff. She approached the sleeping pride, and stopped for a moment. She gave Jahendi a kiss and a tear dropped down on his head. She took him over to Bakaari and Abrah, and laid him next to them, sleeping.

p.10 She quietly walked away, looking back only once, her heart breaking. She had to move quickly, and she knew he would be safe with his new pride family, so she ran.

p.11 Abrah awoke suddenly during the night, feeling the cub nuzzling next to her. She woke Bakaari and they looked around the clearing, but saw nothing. They knew that Jahendi needed a family and were so happy that The Maker answered their prayers for a cub. They loved him immediately, and couldn’t wait to make a life for him.

p.12 As the days went by, they became a strong family, but Abrah always wondered about the mother lion who had sacrificed so much to give Jahendi the best life possible. Day after day, her eyes would span the horizon, because she couldn’t shake the feeling that there was someone watching them.

p.13 Finally, one day, she saw her. Jahia was not able to run before Abrah had seen her. The two lionesses locked eyes, and each of them knew. They knew that they were bonded forever because of Jahendi.

p.14 Through the years, as he grew into a strong lion leader, Abrah thought about Jahia often. She hoped that she knew how much her selfless gift had meant to Bakaari and her, and how Jahendi’s life had been forever changed

p.15 …all because of the love of a mother, with the heart of a lioness.

Me Mondays: The Reinvention Strategy...Stage I

2010-07-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

So last week...yeah, I put it all out there. My sister was mortified:) I think it's funny though. I've spent a whole lot of time, trying to hide the truth about my body. I usually tell people that I have the opposite of anorexia...basically, I'm in denial about what I look like, and how healthy I am. But, hello?...it's not like people can't tell that I'm fat! Believe me...when you have that mindset, it's no kismet, when you accidentally catch a glimpse of yourself in a full length mirror at a department store. I have gotten so good at avoiding mirrors, in order to continue my delusions, that it's like the naked-at-school dream, when I run into one of those danged mirror columns at the mall! It always takes me a second or two to realize that it's me!

Well, those days are over. Like a cat burglar, age has stolen my delusions from me, and I'm left with the all-too-real understanding of my ill-health. So, here we are...you all know how much I weigh, and I have to do something about it. Besides all that...I can't necessarily go around talking about my passion for nutrition, sporting the poster body for processed food, now can I? Well, that's going to take some doing.

The Winds of Change

As of today, I'm going full throttle. I am going from not too much to do...to a VERY full schedule. My best friend and I are beginning our Couch to 5k program, with the end result being a full marathon in Austin, next February. {hello...someone please send the white coats...I may have completely lost my stuff, this time} Go big, or go home, right? In my case, I could be "going home", either way:) Lord, help me...

The Prescription

I am going to concentrate on the new exercise schedule for the most part, this week, because I am also starting work full time, for my mom. Not only that, but, sometime in the next month, we are going to be moving, starting school, and beginning our child's illustrious sports career. (David Beckham, move over...this kid's going to be maj-a!) Anyway - I figure, if I'm going to reinvent myself...then I best do it, all the way. In order to make all of that possible, it's going to take some careful planning, self-discipline, and a pristine schedule, so it all runs smoothly. Sleep, hydration, and prayer are going to have to come center stage! Sleep...so that my body can restore itself, hydration so that I can have energy...and prayer, because well...did you read what I'm trying to do? I'm going to need guidance and mercy from above! I will add different aspects as the others become new life habits.

Paring Down

I really feel like I need to detox my body, but, I'm also a little concerned about biting off more than I can chew, at one time. So, I hope to maybe get a few pounds off, which will help, and concentrate on detoxing after I've gotten a head start. Is that backwards? I'm just going to listen to my body...because, I don't think it's a good idea to start a detox and a new running schedule at the same time. I know me...I don't do well while I'm detoxing. It's going to have to go in steps. So, to that end, I will work on portions, for now. I have had the greatest success, in the past, with eating 5-6 small meals a day. Being prepared is a huge part of being successful at that, because, if you don't know what you're going to eat ahead of time, and you wait until you're hungry...the right choice will NOT be made. That's like sticking a thirsty, newly recovering alcoholic in a bar, and expecting them to order water...probably not going to happen. It's the same concept...only the alcohol is food.

So, for now, that is Stage I. I have this really bad habit of doing the "all or nothing" dance...where, I make a plan, and if I deviate from it...then the whole thing goes in the toilet. I can't do that, anymore, so I'm going to do what I know I can, for that day...no matter how it changes. I think the real key is going to be in the preparation. Having water on hand, getting up and starting my day in The Word, and meditating to set my mind to the tasks at hand. It's going to be very challenging...but, I either rise to the challenge...or I sink to the grave.

I think I'll rise;)

{i'm not posting stats, today, because there weren't any changes last week...only formulating my plan. so, I will begin next monday, and posts new stats, regularly.}

Whole Marriage: His Needs, Her Needs

2010-07-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

{ok...well, since I seem to have an issue with petering out by the end of the week, I'm going to go ahead and post today, what should have been posted on Friday. I've been suffering from intermittent and sporadic internet syndrome...so, bear with me...I'm really not this inconsistent of a person.}

Let me begin by saying: I'm no expert on marriage. I have been married for 7 1/2 years, and while I do have a great and solid relationship, we have had our ups and downs. One thing we do have in spades, however, is a great and mutual desire to make our marriage great...not just survivable. In that pursuit, we have attended seminars, counseling, and skill building events in order to make that a viable reality. Sadly, as I stated in my last post, I don't think that we give enough credence to the need for skills to build a lasting marriage. Additionally, I spend a significant amount of time analyzing the "what went wrong?" question, in response to the marriages I see falling apart around me. So to that end...I want to share a couple of really important things I've learned...this week, it's about needs.

Shifting Focus

I believe that, as a society, we share a common philosophy that states that marriage takes work. However, our action structure is very different. In other words...we say that we need to spend time putting effort into our marriages...but, our daily life consists of everything but. First and foremost, we have to begin the process of realigning our mentalities...to put the needs of our spouse, as the person we love, ahead of our need for them to fulfill a business partner role, on the logistic front. In other words...begin and end the day with "how is my spouse doing?", instead of "what is my spouse doing or not doing as a parent, financial contributor, laborer...?".

It Starts at the Heart

I care about my husband's heart...and he cares about mine. That is our first priority. It is, after all, what we pledged to do...to be the one person on the planet, who cares most about the other. Certainly, we have to wear the different hats, in order to make our lives run smoothly...but, when you don't center those efforts around the foundation of fulfilling each other's needs...then at some point, it's no longer enough. It becomes platonic. You realize that you could have this relationship with just about anyone...there's nothing special left. It's simple and hard...all at the same time. So, it's time for people to understand what those needs are.

Honor

I want to build my husband up. I want to elevate his reputation, his confidence, his heart, and his viewpoint. It is the number one need of a husband...honor. Men need to be honored. You know that old saying..."behind every successful man, is a very good woman"? Well, there's a reason that it's a saying. I once heard a sentence at a wedding that will stay with me for the rest of my life. A pastor said to the bride..."Right, wrong, or indifferent...a man will always live up to...or down to...what his wife believes of him." Another half-joke I like to say, is "yes...he's the head of the home, but, I'm the neck, and I show the head where to turn." That is not to say that I play games with my husband, but it is very indicative of the fact that how I treat him, often times determines how he walks through the world...how he makes decisions. For 10 years, Brandon and I had a certain issue. It drove me insane...and, no matter how many ways I put it, no matter how many conversations we had about it...it never changed. I felt like I was blue in the face every single day of my life. A little over a year ago, I decided to change the way I handled it. I decided to just start treating him as though he were meeting that need in me, beautifully...even though he wasn't, yet. In other words...honoring him, even though I didn't feel like it...or that he deserved it. Guess what?...the honor I gave him inspired him to actually rise to the occasion. Once I began believing that he was going to fill the need, instead of dwelling on how he wasn't...he did it. After all these years...my needs, in that area, are met. I knew that I was to be his helpmate, in this life...I just didn't realize that being his helpmate was going to help ME!

Security

Women need to feel secure. We are most successful as people, when we don't have to wonder all the time, if we're going to be OK. If we are spending our time wondering if our husband is faithful, or if we're going to make it financially, or if we are going to be safe...it creates a vacuum in us, where trust, fun, intimacy, happiness, and contentment are. Brandon always tells me that I'm good at keeping us progressing in our marriage. I'm never willing to stay in "survival mode", in order to not rock the boat. We have a pretty great marriage, as a result. However, what he doesn't realize is...he creates the atmosphere for me to be able to move us forward. If I were to constantly be wondering about his activities, constantly worried about whether or not we are going to make it...I wouldn't be at all concerned about building our communication skills, or upping our game in the emotional connection department. Through his honesty, and his commitment, I have the room to push us forward...to up our game. Because I know he is willing to do whatever it takes to support us, I don't worry that he doesn't have a job. I know it's going to be fine. He has created that security for me. This coming from a woman who has no home! I am still...because his character is secure...and that's what I can rely on.

These 2 issues, while central, are just jumping off points. There are many factors that go into each individual marriage...but, I challenge you to try focusing on these 2 specific things, if you are having trouble. Just experiment, and see if it works for you...moves you to a different place. It certainly won't hurt, and you never know...you might begin to see your spouse through a fresh lens. Their heart is worth fighting for...even if you have to fight your own pride.

Red Rover, Red Rover...Kick Big Industry Over

2010-07-22T15:56:00.000-07:00

So much of what prompted the beginning of the Whole Family Project, is that I'm scared. I'm scared for myself. I am worried about breast cancer, I'm worried about heart disease, hypertension, and high blood pressure, and I'm worried about diabetes. I'm not worried in a hypochondriac sort of way...I'm worried because I display signs of all of these things. Every point on the list of breast cancer risks...I have every single one of them...to a severe degree.

Luckily, I'm blessed enough to have had a peek behind the curtain, so I know enough to know that I don't need to see it the way "they" want me to. However, one of my main priorities is to find a way to nip all that may or may not be going on, in my body, in the bud. So...one part of my strategy is to get my body & hair care products in line. I've been off of parabens and aluminum for several years, now...but, this video opened my eyes to a host of other problematic chemicals.

We can only educate one another about these issues. Big Chem, Big Food, Big "M", Big Industry...they certainly aren't going to tell us. In fact...a good thing to do, is to check into what Europe is doing with their safety standards. They tend to have a much deeper respect for their citizens' health across the pond. That being said...we also have the unique ability to change things in a big way, in our country...because, we hold the money, and that's what "they're" after. We can, for all intensive purposes, "cut them off", to get what we want. We just have to do the monumental task of getting the word out, and changing some minds.

It's a tough job...but, I'm starting to really like doing it:)

Real Food Wednesday: Building a Nourishing Tradition

2010-07-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, for the past few months, we have not had a house to live in. Along with a situation like that comes the upending of many of your daily habits. For a little while, it was unnoticeable, but as of late, I am beginning to see the affects of not having the same availability as we have always had.

When we first got our son, I was bound and determined to maintain a wholesome & nourishing diet for him. I had gotten a copy of Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon a couple of years before our son was even born. At that point in my life, the whole concept of this nourishing food was pretty overwhelming. However, when we got him, I knew I wanted to give him the best start I knew how. So, I jumped in...at least for him.

For the first two months of his life, he had been exposed to heavy amounts of second hand smoke, and lots of processed formula. {I believe that parents need to make decisions that are the best for them, and that they have to follow their convictions, as they see fit...so, no judgments if you happen to have used canned formula. However, God gave me the conviction and the opportunity to be educated in a non-conventional way regarding infant nutrition, and so I wanted to do all I could to adhere to that.} When he came to us, and it became clear that this was going to be a long term situation, I began him on the baby formula recipe from the back of Nourishing Traditions. (I used Goat's Milk that was pasteurized, which is not optimal...however, it's what I could do at the time.)

At first, we struggled with some constipation issues, because there are lots of beneficial fats and oils, that his little body wasn't used to. But, after about 2 weeks, and some diluting methods to help build him up, he became very regular...and remains so to this very day. Not only that, but his lungs were able to heal very quickly. What I thought would take months to clear up, actually took about a week and a half. He went from having sinus and lung issues that you could hear, to sleeping soundly with almost no breath sounds in about 10 days. It actually used to freak me out! From that point on, he has been the healthiest child you could possibly imagine!

When he weaned off of formula, I wanted to figure out a way to keep all that nutrition, that he was getting from the formula, into his "big boy" diet. At that point, the thought of deciphering a way to add all of those nutrients into our regular food was daunting. My simply solution?...adapt his formula into a SMOOTHIE! Now...let me clarify, at the point that I threw this together, the thought of making my own yogurt and such was not even on the radar. And trust me...this is just thrown together. So, adapt as you will...but, this is what I do:

1 cup of yogurt (whatever flavor you want)

1/2 cup frozen berries (you choose)

2 tbsp. ground flax seed

1 tsp. extra virgin coconut oil

1 tsp. brewer's yeast

1 tsp. cod liver oil

1/4 tsp. bifido bacterium infantis (I use LifeStart which is a blend)

1 crushed acerola tablet

1 tbsp. raw honey

{throw it all in a blender and blend:)}

If you don't make whole food formula...some of these ingredients may seem a little strange...but, he LOVES it...sucks it down!!

I realized the other day, that many of the reasons that I began my son on the Nourishing Traditions baby formula, still need to be addressed, even as he is nearly 4 years old. That didn't necessarily dawn on me, until a few weeks ago, when he started having issues with growing pains in his legs, in the middle of the night. I was racking my brain trying to figure out why, after all this time, he was suddenly having these episodes...especially since his growth rate has slowed, significantly. It also led me to the realization that much of his behavior issues have been timed around this, too. So it dawned on me...for the first time in his whole life, the quality of his nutrition has slipped. He's not getting all the nutrients that he was getting on a daily basis, before...and, we're both suffering for it! I realize that regardless of what they eat, three year old boys are going to be nutty. However, the same way that eating too much of the wrong things, and not enough of the right things, affects the mood and overall ability to handle life in adults...it's going to be even worse for a developing little body. Well, it ends here! I'll keep you posted on the progress;)

I'm off to get some ingredients today, and as soon as I do...I'll post pictures of the process to go along with the recipe! We are also going to begin our relationship with green smoothies...so, I'll let you know how that goes, as well...for all of us!

A Valuable Moment

2010-07-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'm posting a second time, because I am dedicated to putting out any information that I find useful! We MUST take back the reigns of our own wellbeings...and that of our children and family! It's going to take some doing...but, we CAN and WILL loosen the grip that big industry has on our lives. We just have to work together...please don't let the status quo be more important!

S.O.S.: The Preschool Boy Conundrum

2010-07-20T13:36:00.001-07:00

I'm having trouble with these Tuesday posts. I want to post regularly on the issue of child-rearing. The problem is...I'm in a raunchy place with it. My son will be 4 in October, and we are in that stage where I can't do a. single. thing. without it being extremely difficult. I find that I'm either tripping over him, begging him to be quiet for a single second...or it's quiet, and I'm terrified about what I'm going to find. I'm not even going to start on the physical wounds I receive, just because he happened to walk by me, at any given moment. I'm want to celebrate this stage of his life...but, can I be honest, here? I'm really ready for the next one!

I. am. exhausted.

I don't want anyone to think that my child is not absolutely my favorite part of my whole life...because, he absolutely is. He's very sweet, kind, and nurturing...he loves to help with anything he can. Not to mention, he's becoming very intuitive about other people's feelings. It's just that in order to easily be effective in keeping him reigned in, right now...I'd have to be an octopus on steroids! He's faster than a speeding bullet, louder than an approaching train, and as destructive as a tornado in a town made of glass...not to mention sneaky as all get out.

We are staying with some friends, right now, and in the past 3 weeks, he has done more damage than our non-existent income can maintain. During one of those quiet moments a couple of weeks ago, I went to look for him, and found him shredding the sheet that was on the air mattress he was sleeping on with his dad's pocket knife, that I had unwittingly left on the washer when I was cleaning out pockets for laundry. Upon closer inspection, I realized that he had also stabbed holes in the mattress (a motorized Aerobed at that), and it is now ruined. Just day before yesterday, while clearing his breakfast dishes, he threw them so hard that he broke a one of a kind bowl that was in the sink...very rare and expensive. This was just a couple of days after he fried my parents' DVR by spraying it with a water bottle. None of this stuff is malicious...it's just natural boy curiosity coupled with an unbridled and freakish amount of force...the likes of which are confounding to all who witness it.

I don't know what to do...I really don't. I might be able to come up with some creative solutions...but, I can't hear myself think. As it is, it's taken me aaaaallll day long to finish this one measly post. It's nearly 4 'o clock!

We have soccer in the pipeline, and hopefully we will be able to put him in some part time preschool...but, I could really use some practical advice, here. Does anyone else have a barbarian child? I don't want to squelch his spirit...I've read Wild at Heart...I know it's how he wired. However, I also can't let him run amok...so, I need some input on balance from anyone who has any! To put it plainly....

H E E E E E L L L L L P P P P P !!!!!!!!!

Me Mondays: The State of My Body

2010-07-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well, first of all I want to apologize for the unplanned break on Th, F, & Sa. I had unforeseen internet issues, and I was unable to get anything posted. You know something...I really don't like it when I can't blog. Last week I talked about being driven to forward the Real Food Movement...well, it includes blogging. I love the connection and the community that it provides, while talking about things that matter. I am so very happy and grateful that God opened these doors for me. I. am. truly. happy. I know I keep emphasizing this point, but I just can't get over the fact that I am inhabiting this level of excitement after so many years of not having any. It's almost like a second chance in a way? I guess I had kind of resigned myself to just needing to get with the program and rejoice that I had what I had, and stop looking for "more". Silly me...Jesus died so that I might have the MORE...not so that I would just survive. He died so that I could have LIFE...TO THE FULL...PRESSED DOWN, SHAKEN TOGETHER, & RUNNING OVER. Freedom...He died to give me freedom. To Him be the Glory. So...that brings me to my next point.

The Speed Bumps

There are many great obstacles on this path toward living freely. Some people have emotional issues, some have mental issues, many have physical issues, and others carry the heavy burden of being victims to some core-shattering event (or events) in their life. I happen to believe that often times, it's all at the same time. Mine?...mine begins with my body.

I have very few emotional and mental hardships in my life. Certainly, there are some...but, I am fully aware that in the grand scheme of things...I've gotten off easy. But, when it comes to my physical state...it's the bane of my existence. I come from a large family...in number and stature. It has always been like an identity marker for us, in some way. It was almost as identity-solid as one's ethnicity...like we were just born that way, and there's not a whole lot to be done about it. We're just...fat people. This identity label has followed me my entire life...to the point that I saw myself that way, regardless of whether or not it was true. I always self-identified as "the big girl." You know what's funny...I look back on pictures of me in high school, and, while I was always curvier than my classmates...sizewise...I was generally in the same bracket. When did that happen? I fully believed there was a significant gap between me and....well, being "thin".

There really wasn't...but, there is now.

I am about to turn 33. Thirty-three. XXXIII. Wow.

It's Time to Know I'm a Grown Up

I'm not one of those who is all caught up in the age game. I don't have that "dun, dun, duuuuun" song playing in my head every time I have a birthday. I enjoyed turning 30, and I feel like it's an honor to get older...as long as I'm getting wiser. What I DO have a problem with, is the fact that there are all these silent, little milestones that have been residing in my head, year after year. These subconscious goals of "well, by that time, I'll be thin, and I will be able to do those things I want to do." Well "by that time" has passed me up more often than I can even begin to tell you. The By That Time Meter is starting to steam....pressing the hand into the red zone of..."No Time Left". Does anyone else have this strange dichotomy going on, where you feel old, you're starting to look old, you are raising a child, having financial stress...yet, there's a part of you that is still run by the 20 year old, wild-at-heart beatnik that you were? Like, you could be equally as close to your slightly older friend and her high school-aged daughter? Well...that's me. Problem is...my body is totally one-sided in this little debate.

I realized a few years ago, that much of my problem is about that label I wear every day...the "fat girl" label. Thing is...it was never my friends. I was teased once or twice, but I was blessed enough to have beautiful, kind, and accepting friends my whole life. I was born with that label. It was no one's fault...my family had it, too. It just never dawned on anyone that they didn't have to wear it. That, and this label isn't a peel-off sticker kind...it's more like a chiseled-in-stone kind...you know, like a tombstone. It's as difficult a mentality to erase, as a child who was told they aren't worth anything their entire life. It's perpetuated into the very marrow of your bones. So, my challenge is to find a way to bust it up...to begin to behave my way to freedom from obesity. Even if I were to reach 2% body fat, I would never be "skinny"...it's not how I'm built. But, I would have a really strong, athletic, healthy shape. It's not that I'm looking to be a model...I just want to be the best that I can!

Besides it being a health hazard...for what I'm passionate about, it's also a credibility issue. Already, I'm having people ask me to come speak at events, and answer questions online. I'm seized with this fear of actually showing up in person. While I'm a project at work...I feel like if I were to walk into a room right now, no one would take me seriously as I tout the benefits of Real Food. I'm 130 pounds overweight, for pete's sake!

Weight is about a whole lot more than where you get your food, and it takes many years of consuming the wrong things for the wrong reasons to get where I am. Unfortunately, ignorance doesn't excuse your responsibility. So much of my problem is that I have the set in stone label I carry around, and it's coupled with a passionate, sensual affair with the art of food. I love the way it tastes. Period. No trying to create a protective layer, no trying to overcompensate for something...it was meant to nourish and enjoy...and boy howdy, did I overdo those 2 things with gusto! Most times, when I overeat...it's not because I don't know I'm full...it's because I don't want to stop experiencing the taste and texture that was so wonderful...the very meaning of "too much of a good thing." (You know...kind of like my insatiable need to over-describe my life, in exhaustible and epic blog posts:)

So, here's the thing...I'm going to keep you posted on the state of my body. I need to get free of this...so that I can carry out my many purposes in this life...with credibility, energy, and an amazing story of healing. I will give you the stats, and if you so choose...you can keep me accountable. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

The Issues:

Sleep Apnea; heart palpitations; achiness; blood pressure issues; blood sugar spikes; chest pain; too much belly fat; chronic discomfort; joint pain; sallow skin; infertility; major hormone imbalances; overall endocrine dysfunction; one foot in the diabetic pool

The Numbers:

HEIGHT: 5' 5 1/2"

STARTING WEIGHT: 270 lbs.

BMI: 44.7 (morbidly obese)

MEASUREMENTS:

Bust - 49"
Ribcage - 43"
Waist - 46 1/2"
Hips - 56 1/2"
R upper arm - 15 3/4"
L upper arm - 16 1/2"
R Thigh - 33"
L Thigh - 33"
R Calf - 18 1/2"
L Calf - 18 1/2"

Ok...So, now that you've got all the information you never wanted to know...you can watch to see how it goes. I'll post stats at the bottom of every Me Monday post, so that, if you're interested...you can keep track. Anyone else having similar issues? Anyone want to join me?

Real Food Wednesday: Local Resources

2010-07-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

Well, as I hinted at Monday, I have a treasure trove of resources for you, today!

I always love getting the free copy of Edible magazine when I go to the Farmer's Market. This magazine is distributed regionally, all throughout the U.S. Inside is a wealth of resources for eating whole foods, guides to farmer's markets, and custom sourcing for restaurants, food programs, and other Real Food events in your area. They have even compiled a cookbook, that I don't yet have, but I'm jonesin' for it in the worst way!

If you are in the DFW area, there is a cafe that I am so excited about! Potager in Arlington is owned and operated by people who are passionate about real & local food, and their tagline is Think Globally, Eat Locally...love it! They get all of their food from local sources, including Gnismer Farms on Bowen Rd., CSA's, & pastured beef, chicken and egg sources. Not only that, but they are actually delegates for this year's Slow Food International Terra Madre conference in Italy. That's a HUGE honor! If you haven't, yet, please go eat at Potager, located at 315 W. Mesquite Street, Arlington, TX 76010. It's really important that we vote with our food dollars and support establishments that are going the extra mile to support farmers, provide real nourishment, and are active in the Real Food community!

If you are looking for a restaurant closer to Dallas, you will find that you have a few more choices. Restaurants like Bolsa, Parigi, and Smoke are committed to local, quality ingredients, and any check paid, at these restaurants, is money into the local food economy that will NOT be wasted on Big Food. Want dessert? Think it can't really get into the local food game? Not if you go to Dude, Sweet in the Bishop Arts District! I LOVE that this list is growing:)

Something fun to do on the weekend is to take the family to the farmers market. We have frequented the Dallas Farmers Market on several occasions, but we are looking forward to checking out several more. There are several local farmers markets in great towns like Historic Downtown McKinney, Keller, Coppell, and one in Fort Worth on Beach Street. There are so many options in the metroplex, that it's hard NOT to shop local! Not only that, but seasonal food, picked ripe...the sensory experience is absolute heaven!

If you are looking for a farm or CSA (community supported agriculture) program near you, the best resource on the web is LocalHarvest.org. However, you can go straight to a few sources at Eden Creek Farm, Your Health Source Co-op, or Eden's Organic Garden Center.

If you have been reading for a while, you know that I have been lamenting the sparse nature of local food resources in this part of the country. Well, this weekend I was greatly encouraged! The flames of this fire are being fanned, and I can't wait to help! I count it an honor to be a part of this movement toward the reclamation of our food, in this country. There is much more to come...but, until then I will entice you with a snapshot of just a little of our beautiful bounty from this past weekend...

Salsa, anyone?

Manic at the Museum

2010-07-13T05:00:00.000-07:00

{looks mean, I know. but, we weren't actually successful at feeding him to the T-Rex}

Well, I'm not sure if you have ever taken your 3 year old son to the museum...but, if you are planning it, any time soon...I would like to share some wisdom with you, in hopes that you would be more prepared than I.

First of all...if you have visions of bond-building, scientific discoveries reflected in your child's bright eyes, dancing in your head...please remove them, promptly with a pair of pliers. Maybe it's just my kid...but, when there is a really intriguing demonstration of electricity, using a Vandergraff orb, going on...don't expect them to be wide-eyed and engaged. Maybe yours, too, would be the one kid that can't sit still, & likes to wander around the room, pausing only to block another child's view, while all the other children are plugged in and excited...

Or...maybe your child, when given the option of building wonderful structures & doing exciting experiments on kinetic energy or centrifugal force, would rather get a mouth full of water from one water table, only to run and spit it into another...

Or maybe your son also has an unbalanced amount of time with his mom, so the grocery store set up is infinitely more interesting than the construction area...

Or maybe, you'll find, like I did, that after all that...the urge to go the Sharks! presentation at the IMAX theater is most attractive for it's well-orchestrated napping potential...as you have not only had to chase your extremely fast preschooler around for the previous 2 hours...but, you've also had to do it, alone, because that other kid you brought with you...you know, the one that's almost 40...he was busy doing all the experiments, fort building, and museum participating that you had wished upon the aforementioned child.

Or maybe you have fun at the museum...different strokes:) Either way...I suppose it's best to realize this:

Me Mondays: On Passion & Drive

2010-07-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

Good Monday to you all! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

I had a pretty good one...steamy, but good. It wasn't necessarily what we did this weekend, but rather that I realized something about myself. I know that I have found my purpose. I know it. This is going to sound really strange, but since I left high school, I haven't been passionate about much other than the people I love. I have always had a passion for my husband, my son, my family and my friends, but as far as outside interest...I haven't had it. I went to college at the regularly scheduled time...but, I dropped out, because I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had no direction...therefore, no drive. I think that's what the deal is...I haven't had any drive since high school music.

It dawns on me, that having drive translates to so many other areas of my life. I've been passing my "mood" off on a serious case of apathy, but I realize now that it's not for a lack of caring...it's just that there hasn't been anything that I have felt driven to do. I have been seeing my lack of "inner fire" as a personal character flaw, like if I could just get my act together, and behave correctly...I would be "that person"...the one that does things with gusto, and has zest, and brings her enthusiasm to her relationships, her home, her prayer, her marriage, and her interactions. I think I was wrong!

Now, I have to tread lightly here, because I believe in balance. I believe that you can create passion, and that you need to do what you know to do...not just what you feel like doing. But, this weekend, I realized that I'm am extremely emotionally connected to Real Food activism. I get down right teary eyed when I find out that Wendy's is hearing the call, or that we have made some kind of impact in Congress. I am driven to do things that I wouldn't normally do...take chances that I wouldn't normally take. I am NOT the kind of person that makes cold calls to ask for opportunities or possibilities...I don't "step out" to make things happen. However, if it has to do with the issue of Real Food...I am more than willing to do so. I am driven to educate, learn, promote, spread the word...and, I do it because I am genuinely excited...the enthusiasm is authentic! For the first time...well, ever...I feel like I am spending my time doing a job that is noble, good work, and that has the potential to affect real and lasting change for people. I am more than willing to do whatever it takes to make this a workable career for myself!

How This Fits in to the Whole Family

In keeping with the theme of Me Mondays, and focusing on ways to take care of ourselves in order to have what it takes to give the best to our families...here's how this affects my role as a wife and mom: My husband is incredibly attracted to the intellectual parts of me. He has always made it clear that he has 2 favorite things about me...my cooking, and the fact that I cherish wisdom...and, can succinctly communicate it when needed. He always challenges me to develop myself personally & philosophically. So, there's extra sparkle in his eye when he sees me branching out and talking fervently about Real Food...writing my blog, marketing it, getting even small measures of success...and getting feedback from people who are hearing the message. It does wonders when respect and admiration have a role in a relationship of 11 years. We've always had it...but, it can recede when there's nothing to get excited about. Seeing your mate live with passion is a very attractive thing.

Having something that keeps you driven is also good for your kids. First and foremost, my brain is challenged every day. I have been experiencing stagnation for the past several years. Certainly, there were circumstantial issues, but for the most part, I just didn't have a reason to apply my reasoning & critical thinking skills. Just the act of exercising my intellect has made me a more creative mom...not to mention, that since I have an outlet, it's much easier to not feel "trapped" or "lost" in motherhood. I want my son to have a joyful mom. That is a much more realistic scenario when I'm not wondering "where am I in all this?". I believe in being content with your role as a mom...but, I also believe that if God has given you the gift of a certain talent, or if He has put a desire in your heart...you have to find a way to invest in that, or you're probably not being the best mom you can be, anyway.

It's important to make our families know that while we are voluntarily and enthusiastically doing the work of caring for them, that we are also committed to letting ourselves be used for whatever other purpose God has for us. I want to be an example in that way, also. I want to answer "Yes!" to my other callings, as well. Of course...if it's ever at the expense of my family, I pray that God will find someone to call me into account, so that I can remedy it, immediately.

So...Real Food. That's where it is, for me. I can't wait to tell you about the progress that our region of the country is making...about all the wonderful and exciting things that are happening to further the cause. Good things are happening, folks...good things. Curious? This week's Real Food Wednesday is going to be full of wonderful resources and links:)

Backpacks, Chef Hats, and a Heavy Dose of "What Have I Gotten Myself Into?"

2010-07-10T07:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I alluded to it in Wednesday's post. But, yesterday, I actually did it...I enrolled in school to get my AAS in Culinary Arts. I am waiting on financial aid to come through, but I will most likely be registered for fall classes at Tarrant County College by Wednesday. Ummmm...yay? See, if this were someone else, who would be turning 33 on the 6th day of the semester, I would admire the heck out of them! But, the last time I went there I was maybe 19 years old, had random braids all through my hair, I drove a clunker sports car, stayed out all night every night, and several other things that were detrimental to my health.

As I sat waiting for the student advisor yesterday, I began taking in the scene around me. I started studying the people waiting with me...people who were about 4 YEARS OLD the last time I was enrolled there! If you can imagine returning to a place that you frequented 14 years ago, signing up to do the same thing again, but this time, instead of wondering where your friends' band is playing that night, you're wondering if you're going to be able to sleep through the night without your joint pain waking you up. This is not the activity you want to pursue if you're having issues with aging gracefully. I'm just sayin'...

All that being said, Brandon and I walked around the state of the art kitchen, and I even peeked in a few drawers. I have to tell you...little balls of excitement jumped in my stomach. I love cooking so much...I love the chopping, I love the chemistry of it, and I certainly love what it does for people. A bonus?...professional knife skills! I have wanted to chop like a pro for years:) So, that's my little adventure for the foreseeable future.

As for other news...I am having a serious case of blogojealousy. You know I'm passionate about promoting the Real Food Movement, so when I ran across the Go Local Challenge over at Kitchen Stewardship...well, I was very impressed! There is an amazing and practical schedule of posts that make transitioning into local foodieism very doable. The blogger who runs that site, Katie, is extremely knowledgeable, has honed the educational aspect to a fine art, and is sharing those resources for all who read! If you are interested in making the transition in your family, I highly recommend reading her blog, and participating in this challenge! One day, I will be the highly developed food educator that I want to be, but until then...I'll just spread the word!!

Well, I'll be at the rainy farmer's market this weekend, hopefully having some fun with friends, and playing around with making mozzarella. Happy Weekend...I'll see you Monday!

Whole Marriage: The Problem

2010-07-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

I believe in marriage. I believe in it, strongly. I believe in it when it feels good...I believe in it when it doesn't. I make no secret of the fact that I find it stomach churning that marriage has become so expendable, in our society. I abhor the fact that being committed, through thick and thin, is a virtue that my particular generation views as yesterday's fashion. A trend that I find particularly disturbing, is the way it's almost viewed as an "accomplishment" to finally break away from the "oppressive" lifestyle of marriage, so that you can "find you", again. It's like there's a group out there lobbying to change marriage vows to state, "I pledge my life to you, as long as my ethics hold out, or as long as I feel like it."

{DISCLAIMER: If someone is being abused or cheated on...it's a different story. I would never think less of someone for divorcing over infidelity, and if you are being beaten, PLEASE LEAVE NOW!!....just so we're clear on what I mean.}

What's behind it?:

While I believe that there is a fundamental character flaw in my generation, concerning all things integrity-related, I don't think it's productive to just sit around and wax philosophical about the shortcomings. I think there are ways to practically make steps toward making real change...especially when considering marriage.

So often, marriage is associated with emotion. It's dramatized on screen and off, and is promoted by the most emotionally manipulative industry known to history. LOVE...it's the feeling that everyone is trying to achieve. The Big Lie?...love is NOT a feeling...it's an action. We associate it with the butterflies in our stomachs, or by a rush of appreciation for our spouse's very existence, but the truth is, it's about DOING what it takes to make them know they are loved, committing to be the one that meets their needs...not about how we feel about them at any given moment. Love as a feeling is not a bottomless well...it is finite. (Blessedly, it's renewable...but, we'll get into that in a different post.) However, somewhere along the way, we've been done the grave disservice of being made to believe that when that feeling doesn't show up for a while...we're given a justifiable ticket out.

What to do?:

Do I think that one needs to stay miserable in a marriage, simply because there is no physical abuse or infidelity? Certainly not! However, I do think we ought to give our marriages the same respect and attention that we would give any other area of our life. We're more than willing to make adjustments in our diets and exercise plans if we aren't getting the results we desire. We're more than willing to go to school to learn a different trade, because we aren't happy in our careers. We're even willing to read books about how to address problems we're having with our children, in order to know how to better raise them. When it comes to marriage, however, it almost seems like the mainstream doesn't want to promote it, in order to not offend the massive population of people who have allowed their marriages to fail. You heard me...I said allowed their marriages to fail. You know that saying "you can't choose who you love"?...well, pardon me...but, that's a load of bull! We fight all day, every day for our right to choose. However, when it comes time to be responsible for those choices...we drop it like it's hot, wanting everyone to believe that it just couldn't be helped. You may not be able to manufacture chemistry on a first date...but, you can certainly choose to do the act of loving your spouse. (and if they made it to spouse, then there was most likely chemistry there to begin with, which means that if it has subsided...you can get it back!)

The Hump:

There are plenty of people out there who are willing to do what it takes to make their unworkable marriages work, again. I know several of those. They've been miserable for years, but are unwilling to just abandon their vows without doing some work, first. They are willing to do a trial separation, intense counseling, finding guidance from mentors, prayer, seeking the Lord...and they do those things with acute attention to the matter. However, the spouse in question simply doesn't have the willingness to do any repair work, simply doesn't care, or have found their "freedom" to be a more attractive circumstance than working to make their marriage a happy one. That's abandonment, and Paul is clear that a person's refusal to "cling" or "cleave" to their spouse is sufficient grounds for the offended spouse to seek divorce. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do to make a situation change, and God's mercy is always in authority over rules of law.

The Challenge:

I want to go deeper into this issue in a series of posts, because I believe we need to intensively chip away at the notion of disposable marriage if we EVER intend to achieve whole families. Because, seriously, how can you have a whole family, when the very founding relationship of that family falls by the way side? I have a really solid marriage, but we have recently had a series of extraordinary circumstances that have caused a "snippy" season. You know what I mean...nothing really big is going wrong, but we've been uncharacteristically short and a little rude to each other for a few weeks. I've been intentionally acting more merciful toward my son in the past couple of months, in order to break a dysfunctional cycle of "snippiness" with him. So this week, I am going to do the same with my husband. I'll fill you in on the progress I know for certain I will be able to report...because, when I choose to do the act of loving my husband in more purposeful ways...it NEVER fails to bring about that feeling...you know...the one they call love?

{2003: our engagement photo. it's been nearly 8 years, so some cuteness has left the building:)}

Maybe you could use a week like that? I'd love to know how it works for you:)

Mountain Rose Herbs

2010-07-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

I have lots of ambitions regarding the direction of my home and the products that I will use to care for it and all it holds. As soon as we get into a place of our own, it's going to look like a chemistry lab in no time flat. Laundry soap, deodorant, body care products, cleaning products...these are all on the list of industrial casualties for our home. I had long ago stopped using chemical cleaning agents in our home, but I have been wanting to go beyond white vinegar for quite some time, now. There is also the issue of wanting to become more frugal, consume less, create less waste, and pull money out of the pockets of large corporations. So, how does that happen? Where do you start?

I have found many wonderful blogs since I started this gig, and they have helped enormously! I had been finding wonderful recipes for homemade home & family care on other blogs, but I was always wondering where they got their ingredients. Since I don't live in a part of the country that is saturated with resources for the life I want to live, I was getting frustrated. Until...one day, I realized that lots of the blogs I read had the same button on them for Mountain Rose Herbs. Well, wouldn't you know it...it's a wealth of resources! It's oh so much more than just herbs...there are carrier oils for aromatherapy, there are butters (like shea, cocoa, and kokum), there are essential oil kits, containers for everything, and my personal favorite...bulk coconut oil...for an AMAZING price, which is huge, because I use it for everything from cooking my sons eggs in the morning to making deodorant...VERY versatile. That's just scratching the surface. I. am. thrilled!!!

Soooo...naturally, I promptly went to the website, applied to be an affiliate, and was approved! Now, let me clarify...I realize that many readers are bloggers in the natural home realm, themselves, and are more than likely quite familiar with Mountain Rose Herbs, and most likely an affiliate. So, I totally get that...but, I do have a few readers that are looking for resources to help them on their journey toward keeping a natural home, and I will happily provide that link! There is a button on the right side of my blog page that will link you directly to their site!

I feel good about recommending their products, because they are committed to providing quality, EXTREMELY well-priced, very versatile and usable products. Add to that, they are also committed to community & organic agriculture, education and activism for it, and I am honored to be promoting them! What a great company!

Just to make it even easier...here is a link to their eCatalog:

http://viewer.zmags.com/publication/b01684aa#/b01684aa/16

Happy shopping, my friends;)

Real Foodie Mishaps & A Fuzzy Ball of Madness

2010-07-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I know I said I would be back yesterday, but when we got home from our weekend in Lubbock, I was working on about 2 hours of sleep (followed by a good stretch of head bobbing, neck snapping, half snoozing in the car on the way home), and I frankly, had to go to sleep. So, I beg your pardon for the bogart.

As for today, I am going to bring attention to a little problem that I'm having. With joblessness & homelessness being our set of circumstances at the moment, we are having a hard time figuring out how to incorporate Real Food into...well, poverty. Having a farm or backyard homestead might help with this problem...but, alas...have you checked the stats on buying land or a house with no job? Sooooo, some creative solutions are in order...(as well as a serious attitude adjustment for me.) {Cue: I might be registering for school tomorrow!!! What!? I'll elaborate when I know more:)}

I am so ready to get started on our new lifestyle, and I have this "the way it should be" problem...which, if you were reading during the time we were on our trip, you should recall this problem, readily. I am struggling with visions of colorful, seasonal bounty dancing in my head, so food is becoming a real struggle.

The Scene: I bought 3 peaches from the grocery store, today. (I know, what was I thinking?) But, it's peach season, and I'm desperate, because I'm yearning for them, and the farmer's market is several days away. Besides, I'm one of those annoying foodie people that smells each piece of produce before I select it...and these peaches smelled gooood....very peachy. Well, I got it home, washed it, sat down to eat it, and it was tough, sour, and just plain AWFUL! Remember the Veruca Salt fit I pitched the other day?...well, Take Two. I LOATHE bad produce. Strangely, a few years ago, I would have just eaten it, wondering where along the road of my life peaches had lost their charm. Well, I now know that the charm has literally been stolen, and a bad produce experience is beginning to get equal billing alongside getting my purse snatched.

{don't be fooled by it's fuzzy cuteness. it's an imposter. an imposter, i say!}

Well, I guess that teaches me...I suppose I will just have to make friends with a local farmer this weekend at the Farmer's Market, and buy all I can carry. Maybe that way, I'll be contributing to my local food economy, contributing to a small farmers' ability to still be one next year...and I'll finally be able to have my peach...and eat it, too.

We're Outa Here

2010-07-02T23:08:00.000-07:00

Ok...well, I have a post about marriage in the works, but I'm emotional about it, and it's pretty snarky....so, in the interest of wisdom and discretion, I'm going to wait. Besides, when I feel like this about something, it tends to dwell and swell in my psyche, until I'm having a bad day, and don't know why.

So, instead of writing an article about how marriages are falling apart, I'm going to conserve my energy, and invest it in my own marriage, this weekend. I'm choosing to let go, and fully soak in the 4th of July celebrations in Lubbock, all the while thanking God for my wonderful husband. We've been annoying each other quite a bit this past week, so I'm going to make it my mission to pave over that rocky path, enjoy the family time, enjoy celebrating our freedom, and make some wonderful memories:)

God has blessed me beyond measure, and allowed me to be born in a country where I can post my opinions on a public forum, not get stoned, and go home to a husband that won't stab me in my sleep because I rolled my eyes at him. Theatrics, again...I know. But, seriously...the truth is more dramatic than any fiction.

I love doing this. I appreciate it with every fiber of my being. And I also love fireworks...with the giddyness of a child...I love those colors exploding across the sky. What's better? I get to watch them with my kid...and he's reached the age where he totally gets why we're doing it. So, I want to thank you all for reading, wish you the happiest Independence Day, stickiness from watermelon juice, achy sides from laughing, euphoria under the plumes of exploding colors, and contentment in the arms of the ones you love. Have FUN! Give THANKS!.....

...and, GOD BLESS AMERICA!

*I'll be back on Tuesday...have a safe and happy weekend:)

Livin' La Vida Locavore

2010-07-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

Often, when I tell people in my hometown that my husband and I have this dream to buy a farm, start growing our own food, hand making most of our household products, and to can and preserve all summer so that we can eat in the winter, I get these blank and questioning stares like they have just run into a certifiable masochist. The look is always followed with the inevitable question, "but, WHY would you want to work that hard, when you can just go to the store?!" It makes me giggle:)

To put it lightly, the DFW metroplex is not necessarily a haven for agrarian minded people. I get it...I really do. I'm a city girl. I'm one of those that actually finds it relaxing and wonderful to be in the middle of New York City. I've grown up and lived in one of the largest metropolis areas in the country for the last 20+ years. So, it's a little counter-intuitive that I would actually choose a life of weed pullin' and feather pluckin'. But, there is a reason...LOTS of reasons...and I'm about to give you my Top 5. *Notice I said top five...there are MANY more. {these are not necessarily in order of importance}

5. Quietness

Everywhere, all the time, there is noise. It's funny to me, how everyone always yearns for a better time. They yearn for the time when everything wasn't so scary, and everything wasn't so tense, and everything wasn't so hurried. I have a thought about that. When I sit and listen to all the opinions about every single thing that's going on in the world, it dawns on me that the information age may have a hoodwink buried in it somewhere. Who said it was a good idea for everyone to know everything...at every moment? I get tired of all the noise, all the political BS that comes from everyone knowing how the president reacted when he spilled guacamole on his shirt in the middle of a security briefing, or what happened when Brad Pitt was shaving this morning. Just a bunch of sheep, being told what to think, what to care about, what to buy. Nothing good comes of it...ever. I'm ready to learn the opinions of the ground, as it gives up the fruits of my labor, communing with the bees as we work together to make the garden grow, to feel the sun warm on my back, or the few whispers of rain, letting me know it's time to go in. Job 12:8 says, "speak to the earth, and it shall teach you"...yeah, I intend to hear it.

4. It's Biblical

I have been in church my entire life, and I never knew this part. We are called to a sustainable, manual life in the Bible. I Thessalonians 4:11-12 "11Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we have told you, 12so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." Now...I don't think that God expects everyone to be a farmer. However, I do believe that it's important for people to at least know HOW. I believe we need to live in community with one another, and to be able to contribute our skills into the lives of those around us. However, at this point, the closest thing we know to having a relationship with those who produce our food, is saying hi to the checkout person at the grocery, or thanking a waiter for their service. We need to go deeper.

3. It's the Opposite of Consuming

Our daily lives consist of a long series of acts of consuming, interspersed with moments of expending. Here's what I mean...(and this is a general look at the American lifestyle...not every person)...we eat, we buy, we type, we gas up, we burn that gas, we listen to radio, we watch TV, we read, we watch the news, we read emails, we read tickers, we workout, we bathe, we eat some more, we work at a job where we push buttons a bunch, we turn on lights, we dry our hair, we sit, we grocery shop, we stop in for a latte...it just goes on and on. There is so much that we do to consume all kinds of energy. Producing your own food is a practice in creating fuel, expending physical energy, putting life into the earth, putting nutrients into the soil, creating health benefits, creating environmental benefits, and living with purpose...for a noble cause. It's a life that is spent giving forth, with highly valued times of reaping harvest, consuming truth, and sharing with those you love. See the difference? It's intended life...not life happening to us.

2. Real Health

Man, this one's loaded. Ok...in order for me to fit this paragraph into this post, I'm going to have to completely leave out the issue of our fake food debaucle. Chances are, if you're reading this, you are looking for answers to the "how the heck do I get off this crazy thing" question regarding what has been allowed to pass as food, in our country. So, I think I'll just address the integrity of our supply of "normal" food, and leave the Frankenfood discussion for a time when I'm blogging with a glass of red wine in hand. So...in order for food, namely produce, to be transported 1500 miles, and still look nice when it gets to the grocery, things have to go a certain way. First of all, if it were to be harvested when ripe, it would be a soupy mush by the time it traveled in the back of a semi all the way across the country or up from Chile. So, they pick it green (unready), load into the truck, and throw an ethylene cartridge in, shut the door, and PRESTO...it LOOKS ripe when they get it at the store. What's the problem? Well, the ripening process as God designed it, is the part where are the good stuff happens...you know, like flavor, nutrients, color, phyto-chemicals, disease healing properties, disease preventing properties, and the like. When that thing is picked "green" all that stuff that we think is in there....well, it ain't. It's just made to LOOK good, so that when we go to the grocery store, and "stick to the outer perimeter" in order to ensure that we're making the best health choices, well, it's really just a smoke and mirrors game where they all laugh while we buy a very colorful array of, let's be honest...sour water. Then we wonder WTF is going on, when we go to the doctor, and despite our best efforts, have some horrendous disease, for which we will take a little pill for the rest of our lives, and actually die of the affects of THAT, quicker than we ever would have died of the disease, itself. Cue weepy loved ones at the edge of the grave....Aaaaand, SCENE! Man, they're clever.

1. Sustainability.
I'm becoming less and less inhibited about telling people that I am somewhat of a conspiracy theorist. Now...I'm not carrying around copies of The Catcher in the Rye, and I don't think there are government agents following me (yet;). The kind of thing I'm talking about is the kind of thing that we are dealing with right now. I believe that greed and convenience addiction are literally killing us; that how we have come to depend solely on those philosophies to run every facet of our lives is dangerous...and a ticking time bomb. And friends...that timer is winding down...AND HOW! The BP oil spill is really just like seeing the flashlight in the Watergate. It's just the warning shot. There's always going to be that guy...the one who's phone rings in church, that reminds everyone else that they need to turn theirs off...BP is that guy. We have a problem, here, folks...and, it's not going to get any better as long as our very livelihoods are completely dependent on a giant, oil-guzzling infrastructure to bring our food to us from an average of 1500 miles away. That is INSANITY! All it's going to take is for some sleeper cell somewhere to fully understand the fact that if they screw up our ability to get oil...the whole country folds. Seriously...the grocery stores are empty, the stores go bare...and then what's a consumption-addicted, push-button country to do for food? At this point it would be laughable to think we'd just pick up a hoe, and get to work. Kids don't even know that their food came out of the dirt, much less how to get it there and get it out! That is a problem...a serious one. The system that we all adhere to, every single day, is really just a giant sinkhole under the freeway...one day soon, the whole thing is going to open up, and take us all down with it. So...yeah, not sustainable. I don't want to be a part of it, anymore...This sheep's jumping the fence.

* I realize that there is a very irreverent tone to this post, and I apologize. But, that's where I am...I'm sick of it. It's like life is a joke, and it's not getting any better until we start taking a hard look at taking back the reigns. There shouldn't be a single person left in this country that believes that "they" have our best interest at heart. They don't.

Check out this post in Fight Back Fridays at

http://www.foodrenegade.com/fight-back-friday-july-9th/

Me and My Blueberries

2010-06-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

I realized, the other day, that my food cravings actually pattern seasonal fare. I'm thrilled about that, because as we move away from the industrialized food grid, we are going to be changing the way we see the availability of food. We will be trading in the availability of all foods at all times, for the more rewarding system of looking forward to certain times of the year when we can enjoy the tastiest and most nutrient dense version of foods we love, in large quantities.

Warning: Soapbox Sidebar... {What a novel concept...quantity and quality working in a synergistic, symbiotic way to create a feast of health and pleasure! If a big corporation was trying to achieve that level of productivity, they would hire a consultant for millions of dollars to teach them how to make that happen. Why? Because that kind of thing doesn't just happen as a result of human nature or chaos all of a sudden righting itself. Hmmm...sounds like someone really intelligent may have had a hand in designing it.}

So, as it turns out, I'm a little ahead of the game on that point...and, I think that if we all tuned into ourselves and our bodies that maybe we would all realize that we crave winter foods in winter, summer foods in summer, etc?...I don't know...just a hunch.

Anyway, so here we are in summer, and I am happy as a clam. It's due, in no small part, to the fact that blueberries are in season RIGHT NOW! Last Friday was the first blueberry picking trip of the season...aren't they beautiful?

Blueberry picking has been a part of my summer for my entire life. I'm not sure why we didn't really pick anything else...but, blueberries are like the symbolic family fruit where I come from. Blueberry syrup, blueberry muffins, blueberry pancakes...these are all wonderful. But, when the mercury starts to rise, and blueberry picking weekend approaches, there is one thing on my mind. Like a teenage girl waiting for her Sweet 16, or dew drops awaiting the dawn...I yearn for {frozen blueberries & milk}.

It's the easiest thing you can possibly imagine. After you wash your blueberries, lay them out to dry. (If you freeze them while they are still wet, they get all icy and mealy in the freezer.) After that pop them in freezer bags, and the next day you'll have the most refreshing treat imaginable. Pour some in a bowl, pour milk over them, add a touch of vanilla extract, and you have a bowl of summer yummy goodness that is better than ice cream, in my opinion. The milk freezes around the berries, making a frosty, slushy, healthy, gorgeous, just sweet enough bowl of bliss, and I am COMPLETELY smitten. When you throw in the fact that they are brimming with powerful nutrients, such as antioxidants, Vitamin C, Resveratrol, fiber, and manganese...well, it's clearly the front-runner in the race for my heart...not to mention my collagen matrix, capillary integrity, and overall free radical fighting ability:)

GO! RUN! Get some quickly!!!...you'll want to experience this as soon as possible:)

Happy Summer my dear friends:)

Our Adoption Story

2010-06-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to find a place to fit the subject of adoption into the Project. For my husband and I, it's a very personal issue that has profoundly affected our life for years. I have decided that I will be incorporating a Spotlight on Adoption post to every last Tuesday of each month. Tuesdays are the days that I plan on writing about parenting & child rearing issues...whether it be something that we are dealing with and need help on, or if it be a tip that I have used in our home that has worked and which I feel would be useful to pass on. I hope to have running themes on each day of the week and then inspirational bits on Saturdays...all of which will funnel toward the common theme of practical ways to keep our families whole.

Today is the first of those posts...this is our adoption story:

In October of 2006, Brandon and I had been married for 3 1/2 years. There is nothing that either of us wanted more than to have children. Though we truly did want to have at least one biological child, we both felt a strong burden for children that needed a home, and we were determined that we would adopt at some point in our lives...if only just one child. However, in the fall of 2006, we owned a little landscaping business, we lived in a one bedroom apartment, and we were in NO financial shape to be seriously attempting it.

I was having a terrible time with my inability to conceive a child at that particular point. To be honest, I was exhausted with hope. I was sick of trying to keep my chin up, I was sick of that little feeling in my stomach EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I opened my eyes to see if there was a plus on the little test stick...like maybe THIS was the time...maybe THIS TIME we would get what we longed for. It all culminated one night, as I lay awake in bed & considered the fact that I may NEVER have a child. NEVER...that word rang in my mind as I wept and sputtered down the stairs of our loft at 2am, to go cry in the kitchen. I had a really hard time understanding why God would allow this...I mean crackheads have babies ALL THE TIME...seriously...WHAT THE???!!! It was at this point that I had to really search my soul...and I mean DIG DEEP. I just had a moment where I thought..."OK. If I never get to be pregnant, if I never get to give birth, if I never get to make a baby with my husband...am I ever going to be happy again?" I literally had to answer that question for myself. Immediately I knew...I could lay down my desires to be pregnant, but there's no way my life made sense without motherhood in it. So, in an instant...I just stopped. I put the proverbial baggage down...I turned around, and I walked away from it. I gave pregnancy to God...I told Him, "it's Yours. You take it. But, PLEASE let me be a mother somehow." That was December 20, 2006.

{Back in October of 2006, I had gotten a call from a friend. She told me that her boyfriend (who we'll just call Bob) had just received a call from a girl, that she had given birth to his child, and that she didn't feel that she could care for him. She told him that he could pick up the baby if he wanted to, and so...he did. My friend asked me if I could help him babysit, because this had just been sprung on him, and he had a full time job, and they knew that I wasn't working, at that point. I was happy to, and I began babysitting off and on for the next couple of months. The very first day, my husband and I had made an offhanded comment that we were looking to adopt sometime, and that if he didn't feel like he could do it alone, we would be happy to take the baby boy. We left it at that, and never put another thought into it...until December 21, the day after my meeting with God.}

December 21 is my grandmother's birthday, and my mom, sister, and I went out to lunch & shop for that and some more Christmas stuff. My mom had picked me up a little earlier, and I was telling her about the realization I had come to with God, the night before. We met my sister at a little deli shop, and I got a phone call from Brandon. He said that Bob had called very upset, and wanted to know if he could bring the baby over for the afternoon. He had just received negative paternity results, and needed to go talk to his family to decide what his next move was. *My heart nearly stopped.* I got a rush of adrenaline and a knot knitted itself in my stomach that would stay there for the next year and a half. I knew immediately what was happening, but there was no way that I was going to believe that THE. NEXT. DAY. after surrendering my will to God, that He would just hand me a child. Dude...that just doesn't happen...right? That stuff only happens in movies.......right?

I suppose that God had something to show me about His truly unbelievable antsy-ness to bless us.

I rushed home to help take care of the baby...Jackson was his name, and I waited by the phone. That night came and went, and we slept with a 10 week old baby in our bed, and the next day came and went...same story. On Christmas Eve, I finally got ahold of Bob. He told me that he did want to come get the baby...but, just for that night and Christmas Day so that he and his family could say goodbye...that, if we seriously wanted to have him...we could. He was devastated, but knew this was the best way.

There's no way to describe what kind of feelings began in me that day...but, it's probably not what you'd expect. I felt terror, disbelief, panic, gut-wrenching doubt, completely out of control, and then that love...oh the love I had for that baby boy. Overwhelming love. It was a love that I couldn't even access at that point, no matter how I tried, because I was terrified that it was all going to unravel. I wouldn't let anyone call me his mom until we had papers signed by the birth mother (who I will tell you about, later...she deserves her own post), and even then, I was protective of myself.

For the next year and a half, we went through all the adoption red tape, I got a raucous case of insomnia, and pretty heavy dose of anxiety disorder...and a child. A child whose name we now spell Jaxen, and who is my son...through and through...my blood, my calling, my gift...a treasure on loan from a gracious Heavenly Father who couldn't. wait. a. single. day. to wow me beyond all my imaginings, because I gave my desires to Him. On February 29, 2008, we stood before a judge, and we became Jaxen's naturalized parents. I love that phrase...naturalized parents....because, he's ours...naturally. He was always supposed to be ours.

It's funny...I can hardly remember all the pain and fear of that time period. After we got the adoption decree, signed by the judge, I just got to the business of letting all that was stuck behind that dam of fear rush out and engulf my little boy. My. Little. Boy. My son.

{jackson: december 28, 2006}

{jaxen: april 22, 2010}

The New Look!

2010-06-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot to post about my new look! The concept for the new Whole Family Project logo just came to me one day while we were on the road. I think we were somewhere in the desert...and I was wishing I had a good look for my blog. Well, I came home with a VERY childish drawing of the concept in my head, and the brilliant Julie Sears (a.k.a my little sister) sat down for about 10 minutes and VOILA!...awesomeness!

It's sick, really...when the genes for creativity and computer savvy were being handed out in our little pool, I was apparently at the concession stand while my sister was stocking up. Don't get me wrong...I have some gifts, too, but mine are just not as obvious as hers:) She's a naturally talented crafter, entrepreneur, and digital designer, and she rocks! I'm hoping her company (JNS Designs, for now) will be the first sponsor on Whole Family Project.

After that, I sat down for about 4 hours to try my hand at making a button out of my new rockin' logo, and I got about half way...like I said...concession stand. However, my husband is pretty techie, too...so, he sweetly sat down and took over and in about 5 minutes...BUTTON! He probably could have saved me the 4 hours, but I'm bound and determined to figure this mumbo jumbo out for myself, because I'm stubborn like that, and the only reason I quit in the first place was because I was on my dad's computer, and I didn't want to pound his keyboard due to the fact that I was in that space where throwing a tantrum seemed fully justified and totally grown-up. Those episodes are truly some of my proudest moments. Anyway - all those unnecessary details aside...I now have a BUTTON!!! Please copy and paste the code if you have a website or blog and would like to support this one...I will do the dance of joy:)

Me Mondays: Shoveling Out

2010-06-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

{paper, rock, scissors sculpture in santa fe, nm}

Well, here we are again...a week since my last post, not a whole lot going on during the day, but so much going on internally that I can't seem to dig my way out. This seems to be a perpetual situation for me, right? Well, this time, it's not just me, it's Brandon, too...so that's new. Kinda feels like we're playing a child's game to make decisions about our life, sometimes:)

What's Happening

We are back in DFW, with no home, no job prospects, wanting to hit the fast track toward our homesteading lifestyle, but terrified of getting trapped into the lifestyle that's "expected" in order to get there. Enter: a succession of marital spats that have no definable beginning or end, sour moods, and communication break down. The thing is, we both want the same thing...a home, where we grow most of our own food, sustain most of our own physical needs without "the grid", simplicity, happiness, and peace. I mean, it states right there in the Constitution of the United States that we have the right to the pursuit of such, and dagnabbit...I plan on stakin' my claim! Ok...wow. I may not have reached Mental Instability, yet...but, I can see it from here.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who deals with constant confusion about life, but if I am, and there is a group of you planning on staging an intervention, I just ask that you let me know ahead of time, so that I can put it on my schedule. I don't mind chaos as long as I know how to plan for it. (Thanks, ma.)

But, seriously though. I have been putting lots of thought into the idea of joy...in that, I don't seem to have any....and that's ridiculous. So, I have a topic that I would like some feedback on.

Do you think that NOT having joy can be a habit?

A little clarification...about 4 years ago, things in my life became very challenging, a little depressing, and emotionally draining. I lost several friends...not because they died, but for several other reasons; I became a parent in an instant one day, and the subsequent adoption experiences brought on a level of anxiety that I had not previously known existed. Add to all that, I was physically exhausted due to not taking care of myself, being overweight, and being terrified, and I didn't have the stamina to maintain any sense of joy (except when I was holding my new baby:). All of that seems about right, given my set of circumstances...but, the adoption was finalized, new friendships made, sleep returned, money was provided...yet, the joylessness remains. So, I wonder...is it possible to have an appropriate response to a life experience, and then become so accustomed to viewing the world through that lens, that when those experiences have subsided, the response lingers? Can we literally get in the habit of being blah?

Food for thought...

Anyway, now about this blog. We have reached the place where I need to be contributing financially to our family. I would love to be the idiot blog savant that was able to make her glorified e-journal a raving success in 6 months time...however, that is clearly not the situation. I love doing this blog, and I think it will be even more fulfilling when it becomes more "professional". I'm committed to making it a useful tool, a gathering place, and inspiring source of information and relate-able anecdotes. I also hope that at some point this can be my "job". I have removed the monetization tool that I was using since the beginning for 2 reasons...a)it didn't make me any money, and most importantly, b) it promoted certain things that I don't support, wouldn't recommend, and in some cases have ethical pause about.

That being said, I am going to start pursuing "sponsors"...or companies that I am excited about, who I have formed a relationship with, and who will pay to advertise on my site, in exchange for me promoting their product to my readers. The ideal sponsor would be someone whose business practices and products were in line with the lifestyle I want to cultivate, in and through this blog...small, sustainable, ethical, and simple...i.e. whole & joyful:) If you have a product or business or know someone who does, and you think we would be a good fit, please contact me at aliutterback@gmail.com, and we'll discuss details.

Until which point I become independently wealthy from blogging, I will also be pursuing other freelance writing opportunities. So...if you know of any of those...you know where to find me:)

We're Baaaack! (& a Giveaway:)

2010-06-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

First of all...hello from Arlington, Texas...otherwise known as home, for the last 20 years, and for the foreseeable future. We are fairly certain that the Lord is pulling us to land elsewhere, but we're still in that stage where we are awaiting confirmations...where it's difficult to discern whether we are believing on the merits of our own desires, or following His lead. Time will tell, but we will definitely wait on Him to send us to our destination.

For now, I have a wonderful giveaway to tell you about! Frugal Granola is running a giveaway, by Katie from Kitchen Stewardship, for 2 copies of her Healthy Snacks to Go eBook!! This is a really fun resource for moms who feed their families real food, but run into the "what about snacks?" question. There are so many recipes for finger foods, and nourishing snacks...you'll absolutely love it!!!

So, head on over to Frugal Granola and follow the instructions on her post to enter for this wonderful resource!

I've BEEN There!

2010-06-15T15:14:00.001-07:00

A thrilling thing started the other day. Even though we aren't even back home, yet...we have begun the look back. As difficult as most of this trip was, as unprepared as we were, and as few of our goals were actually met...this trip was a huge blessing.

It began on Sunday, watching Forrest Gump on TBS. We love that movie, and it had been YEARS since either of us had seen it. So we were watching with an awesome dose of nostalgia...me remembering that my butt was so numb after watching that movie in the theater in my sophomore year of high school. (incidentally, I remember sitting right next to my dearest sister-friend, Heather...nearly 20 years ago...I love that my life includes friends from that far back!) Anyway - the part where Forrest takes off running across the U.S. for 3 years was on. We watched and giggled...and then he stopped. My breath caught as he turned around and declared that he was tired and wanted to go home, now...I was ON THAT ROAD LAST TUESDAY!!! I couldn't believe it. (I googled it, just to make sure.) When we were driving from Colorado, here to Phoenix, we had to cross through Utah. I was looking out the window toward Monument Valley, on Hwy. 163. This road is so long and so straight that the cars ahead look like specks...and was thinking how rare it is that one gets to see that far ahead. I knew exactly what I was thinking at the precise spot that Forrest stopped running...I've BEEN THERE!

{unfortunately, I wasn't able to get the camera out before we were almost all the way down the road.}

Then this morning, I was checking email, and saw that my Google homepage had a link where you could change the background picture. I was looking through them, and there was a black and white panoramic of Yosemite Valley, by a professional photog. Well...BOOYAH!...I have the exact same picture in my photo files! I stood exactly where he stood, and took the same picture...I wonder if there were tears streaming down his face, too? I wonder if his breath left him when he came out of that tunnel, and if he shamelessly thanked God for the experience, in front of hundreds of people? I wonder if he felt like he could have stood there forever, without leaving? I wonder if it gives him the chills to say...I've BEEN THERE!

It may seem trivial to some that I know from personal experience, that I-40 truly did rob this nation of the Route 66 charm, or that Death Valley couldn't be more appropriately named; that the Giant Forest at Sequoia National Park is utterly terrifying to get to...but, so worth it when you do; or, that the Grand Canyon still looks like a painting, even when you're standing at the edge, or that San Francisco is equal parts beautiful and frustrating; that if I had to take a ferry boat every time I needed to go somewhere, that I would be totally content...as long as my son wasn't with me; that style is truly concentrated in & around cities; that you're not likely to hear a cuss word in Salt Lake City, or that people in Portland get excited when it thunders in a rainstorm; what it feels like to pray alone on a huge beach...but, I don't care.

There's a recurring theme of thinking and not doing in my life...but, THIS TIME...I did things. In the moment, most of it sucked...but, I did it...and I have experiences that I didn't have before. That makes it worth it.

I'm going to go find a home, and I'm going to get a routine back...but, I will do everything in my power to make sure that I don't go another 7 years without DOING again. I'm going to DO. I'm going to LIVE...as an ACTION.

What about you?

Journey in a Psalm

2010-06-12T00:52:00.000-07:00

The Lord is my Shepherd...I shall not want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters...He restores my soul.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.

Thy rod and thy staff - they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil.

My cup overflows.

Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,

and, I will dwell in the house of the Lord...

...Forever.

Happy Weekending, everyone:)